What Do We Want From Sex?
What if having great sex had more to do with our expectations?
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I’d like to share some of my opinions about sex and sexuality, which is what this section of The Science of Sex—Conversations About Sex—is all about. There’s a place for science, but science isn’t the only tool we have to understand and improve our sexuality. Science provides the data, philosophy interprets it, so, in the spirit of philosophical discussion, let’s talk about what makes sex great.
What exactly is good sex? What’s in a great orgasm? What is it about sex that makes us think about it so often when, all things considered, we spend a tiny fraction of our lives actually having it? The hours we spend sleeping are exponentially greater than the hours we spend having sex, even if we count solo sex (masturbation).
For all the energy, focus, and effort that goes into obtaining and enjoying great sex, countless people don’t seem to find it regularly. Many people report being disappointed by their experiences. Why is that? And what can we do to ensure that we and the others we share our sexual lives with have better experiences?
One explanation for the reason a lot of sex is mediocre (or downright bad) is that we have different kinks. As a perfunctory glance at any medium of erotic material—from porn and erotica to romance novels—clearly shows. Different kinks and quirks translate to different expectations and different comfort levels with different activities.
But, thinking in terms of kinks blinds us as much as it helps us. Thinking in activities and categories is one of our biggest limitations when it comes to thinking about what makes sex good. It’s not that kissing, mutual masturbation, or even oral sex and BDSM aren’t aspects of sexual connection that people can enjoy if they choose.
It’s that there are less tangible, more emotional aspects of the experience that we neglect when we focus on the mechanics. Anyone who’s been reading this newsletter for a while knows I’m big on the emotional, not mechanical aspects of sex. “Touch here, use this position, go in at this angle”—all of that doesn’t get down to the depths of who we are as individuals. They’re one-size-fits-all solutions to sex that I abhor.
I’m more about self-discovery than externally-imposed rules we follow.
Sex is more than a checklist of activities that usually involve repetitious jackhammer motions causing friction on flesh. I believe it’s a potent concoction of symbols, ritual, and communication. Great sex happens when we nurture each of these elements, because great sex happens when two people forge the extraordinary connection beneath the surface that we all desire.
Forged Connections
The vast majority of people want to feel a deep, meaningful connection in our sexual encounters. Now, if you’re thinking, “But what about all the casual sex that’s happening? There’s no extraordinary connection there!” let me just say, research has shown that even during causal encounters with strangers (despite the headlines, these are extremely rare), people crave emotional depth and connection. The proof is in the numbers, and the results of the studies on the subject are surprising.
Research, published in Journal of Relationships Research from Justin Garcia et al. questioned people aged 18-25 about their sex, specifically focusing on “uncommitted ‘casual sex’ encounters” found that “casual” sex more often featured intimate exchanges we usually associate with long-term relationships. In fact, people having casual sex were more likely to report experiencing things like cuddling and were five times more likely to engage in foreplay with their partner:
While affectionate behaviours were desired more often in romantic relationships than in casual sexual encounters, many respondents (both men and women) engaged in these affectionate behaviours during casual sexual encounters as well. This was especially pronounced in those who expressed a preference for casual sex encounters over romantic relationships: in a casual sex context these participants were about 1.5 times as likely to cuddle, 1.5 times as likely to spend the night and cuddle, and nearly 5 times as likely to engage in foreplay with a partner.
Contrary to the popular notion that people are out having robotic, machinelike sex, with people they don’t know well, scarcely anyone is doing so (about 6%, last time I checked the data). Even when sex is no-strings attached, humans crave these kinds of intimate behaviors. But what are these intimate behaviors, if not those repetitive, jackhammer motions of flesh?
Communication Beyond the Basics
Sex is a symbolic ritual we use to transcend ourselves, a surreal, dreamlike world where the norms of communication are inverted and the silence of body language speaks the loudest. Dagger-liked glances stun us to our cores. Welcoming gestures signaling acceptance entice us, inviting us to revel in orgiastic sacrament by sharing our bare bodies with someone else when we’re at our utmost vulnerable. This is seductive. Ask anyone, they’ll probably tell you communication is vital for great sex. Dr. Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., talked about what makes good casual sex, saying: