8 Ball-Busting Testicle Myths Men Wish Women Would Stop Believing
Ladies, don’t get a testicle tanner for your man just yet
In case you don’t watch the asshattery known as Fox “News,” masculinity is under threat. In a new Fox series titled “The End of Men,” Tucker Carlson warns men that testosterone is dropping and will soon spell the end of humanity. (But only for white dudes.)
Carlson's solution is for men to flambe their balls with infrared light called “testicle tanning.”
Now stay with me because this is going to require some carnival barker logic. Carlson contends that white men will be replaced by brown and Black men unless they tan their white balls brown. White skin = good. White balls = bad. Got it?
(I so wish I could turn this into a rhyming children’s picture book. There’s a teaching moment in here somewhere.)
But testicle tanners are no joke. According to the manufacturers of one device;
“To the surprise of most, exposing the torso or the testes to specific frequencies of light in the red or near-infrared range has been shown to increase testosterone in men.”
So let me get this straight…You could shine your red light whatchamacallit on your boobs or your balls and get the same boost of testosterone? Well, if we are allowing options, my vote is for the torso.
First off, do not roast your nads.
Let me repeat. Do not roast your nads. (Unless you are in the Tucker Carlson fan club, in which case…let genetic selection take its course.)
Any device that heats your scrotum like a baked potato is terrible for your reproductive health. Heat kills sperm, and you need those frisky spermatozoa to make babies. Think of balls like fancy cheese — they keep best at cooler temperatures. (Spermatogenesis is most efficient at 34 degrees Celsius.)
Now to be fair, research has found that red light therapy increases collagen and reduces wrinkles. So at least Tuckerites will have some smooth, wrinkle-free balls.
Either way, it is doubtful Carlson is drinking his own testosterone-infused Kool-Aid. (He condemned vaccines but was sure quick to get one.) So I wouldn’t take Carlson’s medical advice unless you see him strapped into his testicle tanner, bare-assed with his balls aglow.
(My apologies for that imagery. Balls make me incorrigible.)
Unfortunately, testicle tanning is not the only ballsy myth. As usual, this discussion will require me to reach into my bag of medical illustration tricks.
Warning: Make sure your boss is not looking over your shoulder. Big gonads coming at you…
The testes sit inside the scrotum (K) — a loose, pouch-like sac of skin that protects the testicles and regulates their temperature. Inside the scrotum, the testes hang from the spermatic cord. (A)
The testicles’ main job is to produce androgens — male hormones — primarily testosterone. They also make and transport sperm.
Sperm develop within a system of tiny tubes called seminiferous tubules (I). The epididymis — a network of small tubes at the back of the testicle — then transports these sperm cells to the rete testes (G) and vas deferens (D).
Now that we understand the sublime anatomy of the testes, let’s examine a few cherished myths.
Myth #1: Testicles are scary
Many women are afraid to go near a man’s balls. And can you blame us? You got one of the most fragile parts of your body exposed to the world. One wrong move and your baby maker is toast. There’s a reason why ball clamps are not exactly a best-selling sex toy.
Now, it is true that pulling down on the testes can delay ejaculation. It’s called a scrotal tug.
To perform a scrotal tug, wrap your thumb and index finger on either side of his testicles and gently pull them away from the body. Do NOT twist them away from the body.
Whatever you do, always ask before tugging. (See #2) While many men like a little ball play during sex, others can’t stand it.