How Do I Have a Threesome Without Getting Jealous?
What do I do if I get jealous during a threesome?
The podcast version of this article is available here.
Threesomes are incredibly popular.
I know that’s like saying “water is wet,” but it’s essential to get an idea of just how wildly popular they are, at least in our imaginations.
A study conducted by Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., a sex researcher, and author of Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life, which surveyed 4,175 adults, revealed that 87 percent of women and 97 percent of men have fantasized about having sexual relations with multiple partners.
The problem?
There’s no denying it—jealousy can be a big issue when considering a threesome.
This presents quite the conundrum. I can’t help but wonder if we want it so badly because we know the risks involved, among other reasons, of course. We often want what’s deemed off-limits.
And from a lengthy history of personal experience, I can say with certainty that all of the threesomes I’ve engaged in were more intense and more arousing when the connection with my partner was deeper. More risk, more reward.
There’s also a tremendous feeling of overcoming involved—overcoming your emotions, overcoming society’s bullshit standards trying to force you to have a certain relationship type, and our longstanding cultural rules that have rendered sexual exploration forbidden.
There’s a sense of wonder in reconnecting with our ancestral heritage. Long before monotheistic religions became the dominant moral forces in the lives of billions of people, polytheistic religions and prehistoric peoples openly practiced sex with many partners.
To them, sex was a cause for celebration, not fear. It was an act of connection, not possession.
While this feeling is seductive, we don’t live in prehistoric times (thankfully). We weren’t raised in an environment that revered sex, which means if we want to embrace the threesome, we’ve got to reverse engineer a lot of the feelings, beliefs, and dispositions we never chose in the first place.
This is the philosophical draw of the threesome. In an almost Nietzschean sense, the threesome forces you to confront your deepest biases. Sometimes that confrontation is loud and destructive as you bury the obsolete versions of yourself and find yourself reborn anew with a whole new outlook.
It’s natural to feel a potent concoction of various feelings with the person you’re in a relationship with. The idea of introducing a third person into such an emotional dynamic, especially sexually, can be intimidating.
But that doesn’t mean it’s an impossible feat or that you should never try it.
I believe everyone should try it at least once, but only if you’ve done your diligent research and planned things out beforehand.
That’s where The Science of Sex comes in.
Threesomes, Jealousy, & Love
Even if everyone involved is comfortable with the situation, it’s understandable to feel a little uneasy seeing someone else’s paws all over a person you love. It’s important to understand that feelings of discomfort, nervousness, and excitement are different from jealousy, feelings of total inadequacy, and fear of abandonment.
Feeling a little out of place is to be expected. After all, you’re in a completely new situation sharing your partner’s body with someone else. If that feels like a threat, it can quickly lead to feelings of insecurity—or much worse.
You’ll encounter brand-new feelings that you won’t have words for. You can name them on the spot, or you can just go with the flow and analyze them, sitting back and wondering, “Why am I feeling this way? What familiar feelings does this experience most closely resemble?”
I believe that love is the essential ingredient of a proper, healthy, fun, enjoyable threesome. I don’t just mean that you love your partner—most of us love our partners, doesn’t automatically mean we’ll have a great time in a threesome. I mean love in the Aristotelean sense.
Aristotle believed that true love was loving someone else for their own benefit—it’s seeing beyond what you get out of a relationship and loving them for what’s best for them.
It’s loving what they most enjoy simply because they enjoy it, and if we truly want someone else to enjoy their lives, we must accept that it can’t always happen on our terms. The more you love someone on their terms, the more you indeed love someone, at least in the Aristotelean sense.
I’ve seen firsthand how jealousy can manifest itself during threesomes.
I had a friend who was invited to a threesome with her partner and someone else. She was very excited about the experience, but soon after the threesome began, she noticed that her partner was paying more attention to the other person than her. She quickly felt hurt, jealous, and neglected. Her feelings unraveled into a web of panic and fear. The threesome was over before things really heated up.
She was totally unprepared. She hadn’t thought of the various possibilities that could unfold over the course of her threesome. She hadn’t tried to imagine the negative feelings that might crop up.
The only time I’ve experienced something resembling threesome jealousy was during threesomes with two women, where the women paid more attention to one another. This can be expected. Just a heads up, guys, if you land a threesome with two women, you’ll likely be the third wheel. Whether it’s because they’re immersed in each other or want to put on a show for you, prepare to do a lot of watching…and sitting.
This is especially true if it’s the first time one or both of the people are with another person of the sex or gender opposite of their usual orientation and they’re exploring their sexuality.
I didn’t get upset or end the threesomes, of course, but sexual encounters that don’t include an orgasm are always a bummer.
It was less of a feeling of jealousy and more like if I’d known what I was getting myself into—that I’d be watching a lot more than participating—I wouldn’t have felt so deflated. This is why communication is vital to a successful threesome.
How to Manage Jealousy During Your Threesome
Let me just say it out loud, one more time for the people in the back, jealousy happens.
Accept it.
It doesn’t always happen, but it happens enough that you want to prepare for it in advance. Acknowledge that jealousy can be part of the experience and plan for it. Talk to your partner about how you might deal with it and create a plan to address it if it pops up.
Reflect long and hard on what you want out of the experience. If you’re in a committed relationship with one of the participants, it’s essential you discuss things at length so everyone is on the same page.
You must do this before the actual threesome.
Jealousy is a particularly tricky emotion to manage during the threesome itself.
Plus, you don’t want to have to stop to negotiate feelings, activities, and the like.
Talk to your partner about the experience you aim to have, the boundaries you’re comfortable with, and the expectations you hope for. This way, you mutually understand what to expect before, during, and after the encounter.
You want to be aware of how you feel the entire time—unless you get lost in a messy sea of pleasure so much that the whole room around you disappears.
Advice From Dr. Jenn Mann
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Dr. Jenn Mann suggests not having your first threesome with someone you know. Threesomes are more socially acceptable than when I was having them, but I almost always had threesomes with friends, and they almost always turned out wonderfully. I've seen it work out well and work out poorly both ways.
I think this advice is to steer people away from awkward encounters with friends or colleagues later on after the deed is done. But, like anal sex, things shouldn't go wrong if you take your time and plan it out right.
Her other advice is undeniably good.
Make a sex checklist so you know what things you want to do and what things are totally off-limits going into it. Some people don’t want to see their partners kissing someone else but have no qualms with penetration. Others might not want penetration but are okay with oral sex.
Whatever your dynamic is, figure it out with your third. Don’t be ashamed of your desires or your hard limits. Set boundaries firmly and get it all out. I mean all of it.
Plan out what you want to do but don’t dump your whole sexual bucket list on your third. If you plan to have more than one threesome, you’ll have plenty of time to get to the good stuff later.
Another piece of solid advice she gives is to state your fears that might happen out loud. Getting them out in the open before you’re all standing together naked will help you envision them and help you and your partner develop a plan in case those fears become a reality.
She also recommends establishing boundaries within the relationship about what’s okay and not okay with your third. Is it alright for either person to text your third without telling their partner? How do you want to handle your interactions after the threesome? Should the third participant be invited to stay the night, or is it preferable that they depart shortly after?
All of this should be clarified so there’s no confusion about where everyone stands.
To ensure a smooth transition, it is often best to bid the third party a kind goodbye soon after the event and to spend some alone time with your partner afterward so you can go over what happened and how you feel about it.
Some other tips from my experience include the following:
Don’t make too much of a big deal about it while planning. Personally, my first threesomes were never planned, but I lived pretty recklessly when I was young. Plan, but don’t make it out to be more than it is. It’s just a singular sex act that millions of people worldwide have done and are doing every single day. It’s not forever, and it’ll probably be over sooner than you anticipated.
Don’t get drunk. A few drinks or a bit of other mind-altering substances might help you relax or enhance the experience, but the more aware of your senses you can be, the better. You don’t want to wake up with both a hangover and regrets.
Do something extraordinary. You don’t have to go all out, but at least check one item off on your sexual bucket list if you can. You wanted to have sex overlooking a city? Maybe the three of you can chip in and rent a high-rise room for the night. You’ve been dying to try bisexual activity? Now’s a good time to give it a shot, but don’t get so lost in your personal exploration that you leave your partner out. The point is, you’ll want to have an enjoyable memory to take with you that isn’t the threesome itself.
It’s important to remember that it’s normal to feel a little jealous during a threesome. But, with good communication and respect for each other’s boundaries, it’s possible to ensure everyone can have a safe and amazing experience.
All of this is excellent advice !
In the case where the threesome is with our usual partner and a third person, I'd add that also we can be proactive to help our partner not feel jealous by dividing our attention equally, and even putting your partner first. I feel like it's a bit reassuring.
Also depends on who's more likely to get jealous of course :)