Will your package make the pedestal?
It was one of the most unusual competition taglines I had seen. Radio stations often compete for the craziest and most outrageous promotional stunts to try and generate publicity. This week, the Kyle and Jackie O show launched the most beautiful penis pageant in Australia.
OK, the stunt worked as I delved deeper to see the ahem mechanics of the competition.
The first phase is to describe your penis in 25 words or less and tell the judges why it’s beautiful. They state they don't want any photos submitted as the ‘dick pics’ may not belong to the owner or could be sent without permission.
After this written component of the pageant, five lucky penises — and their owners — will move onto the final selection process. They will go to the radio stations’ studio and dress in a unitard covering their entire body — aside from their penis. The judge says this is “so we’re not distracted by the beauty of someone.” They will “only judging by penis and penis alone.” I’m glad to see they remain true to the ethics of beauty pageants and won’t be swayed by external factors.
So, in anticipation of this competition, I thought I would look at what makes an attractive penis. What do people look for in the male genitalia? And are there any other similar beauty contests in the world?
The outdated theory about size
Men have a preoccupation with size. Bigger is better. Bigger is more masculine. Bigger makes you the Ultimate Sex God.
Research would deem that this is incorrect.
One study looked at the average woman’s preferences regarding penis size. The results found that women were much more concerned with circumference and girth than with length. It also found that the respondent had a preference for penises that were only slightly above the standard population-average size. The size wasn't overly important.
“There is a slightly larger difference in girth preference among women, which could be interpreted to mean that girth is a slightly better predictor of penis preference. There is some preference for proportionality in length and girth rather than extremes of either in isolation,” says Nicole Prause, a neuroscientist who has studied what penis size women prefer.
What can be more important than size?
The importance of manscaping
Scientists at the University of Zurich published a study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine that asked, “What is a good-looking penis?”
Being scientists, they listed eight penile aspects for the respondents to rank in order of importance. They showed their survey group a wide range of penises and asked them to rank them based on the eight factors.
I present the top 8 penile aspects ranked in order of importance below.
General cosmetic appearance
The appearance of pubic hair
Penile skin
Penile girth
Shape of glans
Penile length
The appearance of the scrotum
Position and shape of meatus (urethra)
The results showed that manscaping and general grooming were big factors. Overall genital appearance and manicured pubic hair were the most important aspects in determining what makes a pretty penis.
Upkeep and maintenance are far more important than girth and length. This was supported by another study from Indiana University that found that 75 percent of women would like their guy to trim down below. Interestingly, 12% of women wanted their men completely bald downstairs.
What do men look for in a penis?
Almost all of the studies done were seeking women’s opinions on the attractiveness of the penis. It was harder to find what men seek in the penis of a sexual partner.
One interesting tidbit I did find was a study done by Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction.
It looked at five factors determining penis size, including penile length and circumference. On all five measures, gay men reported larger penises than did heterosexual men. A study by Utrecht University showed penis length had a big impact on gay men’s self-esteem. They seemed to prefer penis length in partners and subsequently felt inadequate if their own member was shorter in stature.
With the lack of scientific research, I did some very unscientific research of my own — looking through Quora and on some websites aimed at gay men to see what made a penis attractive. From this completely amateur research, it seemed that men were more obsessed with size than females and that sometimes there was some ego and discrimination based on size.
That was as far as my own research went — now it's up to the scientists.
OK, size does matter — but now how you might think
For a few short (pun intended) years, there was a contest held in Brooklyn where penis size did matter.
From 2013–2015 a bar in Brooklyn held the World’s Smallest Penis Contest. It came about when the founder of the competition, Aimee Arciuolo, “ happened to take a gentleman home, and he had the smallest penis I had ever seen. And basically, that man worked so hard for my pleasure that I remember telling my friends about it the next day, saying, ‘We should throw a pageant for these guys; they work much harder than guys that are well hung.’”
How kind of Aimee to think of the little guy. And so, for a few years, men would volunteer to be paraded around on stage in front of an audience before being measured for the title of Wee Willy. That actually wasn't the title but would have been apt.
In this case, it wasn't beauty that was being judged just by size. And being small was the key. Sadly the contest was ended after three years.
Don’t forget the balls!
Why should all the focus be on the penis?
That was the thinking behind Autoblow’s Balls Contest — yep, a contest for the world’s most beautiful testicles. The competition offered $5000 to the belle of the balls — another name I made up. I feel I have a talent for naming genitalia titles. In addition to the cash and perhaps an interesting line to put on their Tinder profiles, the winners also received a 3D printout of their testicles to be made as a gift or keepsake.
Happy Mothers Day — look what I got you!
In this contest, contestants sent in photos of their testicles, and a public vote determined the winner. The man behind the competition, Brian Sloan, gave his opinion on what makes a beautiful set of balls saying, “Bigger is better than smaller and dangly is better than not dangly.”
I’m proud to say the winner was Australian, and if you want to see photos, you can check them out here. Warning — even the prettiest balls aren't pretty.
While he may have big — and perhaps dangly — testicles, the proud winner may have one disadvantage regarding parenting. One study found that the relative size of a man’s testicles can indicate whether he will be a good father or not. Men with large testes were significantly less likely to have good parenting skills due to a “well-established trade-off in evolution between mating and child-rearing.”
Is this why men send dick pics?
A survey by Match.com found that 53 percent of women have received a dick pic while 47 percent of men have sent one. Are we to assume that this means 47% of men believe they have a beautiful penis? It seems not.
The Journal of Sex Research found the reason men send dick picks is due to a transactional mindset. They believe that by sending an explicit photo, they will get one in return. It is important to note that there is a big difference between sending pictures of your penis at the request of a person and sending them unsolicited.
The research did find that unsolicited dick pics are received positively by gay men using dating apps like Grindr but that women generally felt feelings of shame, anger, and disgust.
So if you do think your junk is worthy of photographing, make sure the recipient is open to admiring it.
In conclusion
Aside from the fact that there are far more studies on the beauty of male genitalia than I would have expected, it would seem that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder — 86 percent of American men are satisfied with their penises.
So you don't need to win a beauty contest, worry about the size, or even groom. As long as you are happy with your own body and beauty — that's what counts.
Big testes, small penises, beautiful genetic appearances, bushy or bald the world is full of diverse and beautiful penises.