Non-monogamy is all the rage these days. It’s become a buzzword that’s guaranteed to get attention, whether you’re on your blog or on social media. It’s everywhere in the national media. And there’s a reason for that. It’s because ethical non-monogamy is a fantasy shared by a large swath of the population — even among the monogamous.
Monogamy dominates the romantic landscape, especially here in the West. It’s the de facto mode of relationships. This makes many of us feel like monogamy was forced on us. Especially considering most of us weren’t offered an explanation about any alternatives.
Disney and other types of media have convinced entire generations of the sinister lie that life, love, and relationships are simple things. You grow up, you meet someone special, you fall in love, and you live happily ever after, right?
Isn’t that how it’s supposed to work?
The tragic part is, even after repeated misadventures of trying to make our lives fit this mold, many, if not most of us, begin to feel like there’s something wrong with us. We believe the monogamy lie, that idea that monogamy always ends up with a happily ever after type scenario for us, that we struggle to believe it even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
If you’re anything like me, you’ve tormented yourself over one central question: why can’t I make a relationship with just one person work?
Whenever my relationships failed, I always found myself feeling extremely guilty — like I was doing something wrong. But what if it’s not so simple? What if there’s nothing wrong with me and the problem was just my insistence that monogamy must be the way I conduct my relationships?
Now, I would never suggest that happy, lifelong monogamy is impossible. I’ve seen lifelong lovers happily married with my own two eyes. But it should be obvious to anyone that monogamy is extremely difficult for many, if not most people to do.
If you don’t believe me, give The Myth of Monogamy: Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and People a read (available on Amazon here) and see what you think after that book.
Or perhaps try Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What it Means for Modern Relationships (available at Amazon here).
Both of those are excellent resources if you’ve ever asked yourself about the nature of human sexuality and whether or not we’re really meant to be monogamous. Both were extremely impactful on my view of human sexuality.
Monogamists’ Fantasies About Non-Monogamy
In the meanwhile, some fascinating research has been spelled out in a study titled Fantasies About Consensual Nonmonogamy Among Persons in Monogamous Relationships by Justin Lehmiller.
He’s the host of the Sex and Psychology blog and podcast.
The idea was to send out a survey to people who identify as monogamous and find out just how prevalent reports of a desire for non-monogamy were. What makes people turn to a non-monogamous lifestyle?
This is a question worth asking.
And research like this can help us better answer it.
822 monogamous participants were asked about their fantasies regarding non-monogamy. A substantial portion, 32.6%, reported that sex with multiple partners was their “favorite fantasy of all time.” And the vast majority of those people also said that they’d someday like to act out that fantasy (80%).
This means there are a ton of monogamous people in relationships fantasizing about non-monogamous situations. Perhaps they're doing it in secret, thinking — as I once did — that they could never tell their partners about their deepest, darkest desires.
To them, the option of non-monogamy is simply off-limits. I know I did this in my monogamous years.
We convince ourselves that we’re too possessive, too jealous, too unsure of ourselves, or too insecure in our relationships. I know I gave myself all of those excuses in the beginning, too.
Honestly, I was just terrified of the unknown, so I did what was familiar, expecting it to bring security. But does that really bring security? Do monogamous relationships provide more security than non-monogamous ones?
Interestingly, I’ve found the exact opposite to be true (at least for me).
I used to believe I wouldn’t be able to handle non-monogamy. It’s too risky, too uncertain, too unpredictable. But now I’m very happily in a polyamorous relationship with multiple people that I’ve been doing for years. On top of that, we all live together and have stayed together throughout the pandemic.
Differences Between Men and Women
I know the question some of you are itching to ask, so let’s get that out of the way…yes, there was a noticeable sex and gender difference in the frequency of non-monogamous fantasies.
Men fantasize about non-monogamy more often than women — or at least they’re more willing to own up to it than women are.
Non-binary people also reported higher levels of non-monogamous fantasies than women.
Women fantasize about non-monogamy the least.
This pairs well with the data we have on non-monogamy in various types of relationships. As the sex columnist, activist, and famed writer Dan Savage pointed out on Meghan Daum’s podcast, The Unspeakable, in terms of non-monogamy:
Homosexual men tend to have more non-monogamous relationships than any other type of relationship dynamic.
Heterosexual couples are the second in line, less likely to practice non-monogamy than homosexual male couples, but more likely to practice non-monogamy than lesbian couples.
And lastly, there are lesbian couples, who are the least likely to practice non-monogamy.
Non-Monogamy as We Age
One interesting fact the aforementioned study found, was that non-monogamous fantasies among monogamous people seemed to change throughout a person’s lifetime. We see a higher prevalence of non-monogamous fantasies among the monogamous in midlife.
While both men and women saw an increase in the desire for non-monogamous relationships, from their teenage years and their twenties, peaking in their forties and fifties, women saw the most drastic increase.
The prevalence of non-monogamous fantasies more than doubled for women between their twenties and their forties.
You can see the differences in the chart Justin made below and see for yourself:
A quick note on non-binary reports, Justin said that he wasn’t able to determine how much fantasies about non-monogamy fluctuated throughout the lives of non-binary people because he couldn’t find enough older people who identified as non-binary to draw any conclusions on.
Takeaways
All of this brings up some interesting points which leave us plenty to ponder. It’s no secret that many women also enjoy non-monogamy, so in no way is this intended to suggest that non-monogamy is a male phenomenon and that women can’t love it too. It’s just that non-monogamy is significantly more prevalent in the sexual fantasies of men and in relationships where there are more men than fewer.
Monogamy isn’t the only answer in terms of how we structure our relationships. Monogamy isn’t a one-way ticket to happiness, and alternative relationship types aren’t a one-way ticket to misery.
Men generally fantasize about non-monogamy more than women, especially in our younger years, but women almost catch up to men in midlife. Non-binary persons also fantasize about non-monogamy more than women.
I think the biggest takeaway is that we should all do what works for us, and we don’t have to be married to the idea of monogamy. This is especially true considering how frequent fantasies about non-monogamy are, along with instances of infidelity, and not to mention, good old fashion monogamous relationship failure.
Thank you for reading. Sign up to my Medium email list if you haven’t already.
Three books I recommend checking out:
Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships
A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the Internet Tells Us About Sexual Relationships
The Myth of Monogamy: Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and People
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