Romantic Connection is the Most Popular Fantasy Among Men, According to Science
Science seeks to tell us what people fantasize about the most, with some surprising results
And this taste of his was no whim, no light fantasy, ’twas a fury; he used to say that he knew no more piercing delight, nothing that could more successfully arouse him, inflame his soul, than these excesses I speak of.
For all of his fury, rebellion, and rage, the systematic erotic philosopher, Marquis de Sade, certainly had a way with words. The way he painted picturesque fantasies that held absolutely nothing back, unleashing his pen to spell out the most inflammatory diatribes in the history of literature, is unrivaled in erotic writing, even today.
When it comes to erotica, we could say that Sade single-handedly invented the genre.
The power of his words lurked in his ability to take what’s inside our sexual minds and formulate them into a story to read, one that offended and challenged us, as well as aroused us.
Our fantasies are things we typically keep secret. This was certainly true in Sade’s time, in 18th-century France, a time when you could be arrested for crimes like blasphemy and sodomy. Certain kinds of sex were illegal.
And Marquis de Sade himself was arrested and imprisoned for 11 years on sodomy charges. He was later sentenced to death during the French Revolution, thanks to his aristocratic roots.
Even though Sade was a revolutionary himself, the other revolutionaries were skeptical of his wealthy background. We don’t know how he escaped death in 1794. All we know is when the executioner went to gather those who’d been sentenced to the guillotine, he returned without Sade:
“1794 — Sade’s name appears eleventh on a list of twenty-eight prisoners to be brought to trial. For some reason not wholly explained, the court bailiff fails to take Sade and returns with only twenty-three of the twenty-eight. All but two are guillotined the same day on a square.”
The penalties for human sexuality used to be a lot higher than they are today. But we’re still a society experiencing a long, painful hangover of the sort that only institutionalized religion and unchecked power can dish out. Shame is the tool that’s been employed throughout the ages to keep our sexualities in check.
Only now are we beginning to reclaim what’s ours — our fantasies included.
Deep, Dark Fantasies of the Ordinary Variety
To think of fantasy is often to think of extravagance. The four-man gangbangs of Marquis de Sade and Caligula’s Nemi ships, ships built specifically to hold massive orgies with hundreds of people, or perhaps people dressed up in head-to-toe leather, all come to mind.
But the reality of fantasy is that it’s usually much more mundane.
When people fantasize in their private lives, they tend to fantasize about the ordinary, the realistic, the things that feel tangible and real.
A 2014 study sought to uncover what people fantasized about in order to get a clearer picture of what fantasies were rare and what fantasies were commonplace. Fantasies span the gamut, from the fantasy that one woman reported of being a human cow force-fed hormones (literally), to fantasies about being eaten alive, and more run-of-the-mill fantasies like cuckoldry or threesomes.
The Science of Popular Fantasies
The study gave participants a questionnaire that listed 55 diverse sexual fantasies and asked a total of 1,516 adults about their sex lives, totaling 799 women and 717 men. Participants also reported their own sexual fantasies as well. Researchers then classified the fantasies into three distinct categories, rare, unusual, and common.
The outcomes were additionally broken down and separated by sex, so men and women, regardless of sexual orientation, were divided into their own respective categories. That way, researchers could see clearly what each sex fantasizes about most.
Women fantasized about giving fellatio more often, while men fantasized about having sex with two women more often. Included in the study was an assessment of how intense each fantasy was, as some fantasies may be extremely common but not that intense, while others may be very rare but intense.
Even extremely commonplace things were included in the questionnaire, like giving or receiving oral sex, sex with partners of a different age group, and sex in romantic places.
And one part of the study that instantly jumped out at me was the predominance of one particular fantasy — it was the most popular fantasy on the list.
92.2% of women and 88.3% of men reported that they fantasize about feeling romantic connections during a sexual relationship (of any sort). Nothing special, no weird or bizarre activities, no additional partners, no special clothing or scenery, just a romantic connection.
And the intensity score for each sex was also quite astonishing.
For women, it was the most intense fantasy of all the fantasies mentioned. For men, it was the 5th most intense fantasy of all the fantasies mentioned. The four that were more intense for men were taking part in oral sex, having sex with someone other than their partner/spouse, having sex with two women at the same time, and watching two women make love.
Sex with strangers, public sex, anal sex, BDSM, romantic locations, sex with friends, swinging/partner swapping, are all commonplace topics whenever we discuss sexual fantasies — but what does it say about us that our fantasies are sometimes simpler, sometimes more unassuming and basic, and dare I say, more human?
We are a social species, after all, and connection is as important to our sexuality as it is to our lives at large. I think this gives me a bit of hope. In a world where articles rage about the latest in “hookup culture” and people everywhere bemoan the fact that “nobody wants a connection, anymore,” this gives me a sliver of hope that perhaps we’re being a little too cynical when we jump to these kinds of conclusions.
Because science says that the majority of the people out there are just like us, looking for a little romantic spark to complement their sex lives.
Or, in the words of Marquis de Sade:
But can there be anything in the world to equal this?… Where might love find a more divine altar?…
Thanks for reading. I highly recommend the book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. You can find it here on Amazon.
Sign up to my Medium email list so you don’t miss a beat.
These are affiliate links, and as an Amazon Associate, I may make a small commission through any sales that come from them.