Science Explains How Sexual Connection Can Close the Orgasm Gap
Why the disconnect between men and women in the bedroom?
This is part one of a two-part series. Part two will be coming up shortly and I intend to cover all of the quintessential intricacies of the orgasm gap. The “gap” has been poorly covered, misunderstood, and warped to fit the view of various activists, both men and women. I intend to clear that up.
First and foremost, let me just say that men aren’t entirely to blame for the orgasm gap. It’s much more of a society-level issue and leveling blame at men is misguided (as the research very clearly demonstrates).
Perhaps I’m putting the cart before the horse with this one, giving the treatment before the diagnosis so to speak, but this article explains how sexual connection and putting more effort and focus on sex helps to reduce the gap. Next, I’ll explain the rich and fascinating science about the orgasm gap without the politics and activism.
Over the last decade, research has taught us a lot about ourselves and confirmed the lived experiences of billions of people.
It’s uncovered why we like the kinky little things we like, telling us exactly which fantasies of ours are rare and which are common. And it’s shown the men of the world just how painfully real and widespread the orgasm gap is.
For those who’ve been living under a rock, the orgasm gap refers to a stark discrepancy in the frequency of orgasms between men and women.
Numerous studies and surveys have consistently found that men are more likely to orgasm than women during sex, and women in heterosexual relationships are most likely to be left hanging.
From lesbians to heterosexual couples, a trend has emerged showing that the more men there are in any given sexual setting, the fewer orgasms any women involved are likely to have.
The O-Gap
A 2018 study titled Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample discovered that the rates of usually always climaxing during sex are as follows:
Heterosexual men: 95%
Homosexual men: 89%
Bisexual men: 88%
Lesbian women: 86%
Bisexual women: 66%
Heterosexual women: 65%
In other words, about 1/3 women can’t reliably get off during sex. As a man who’s dealt with difficulties reaching orgasm myself occasionally, I know firsthand how utterly frustrating it is. It damages sex and intimacy both.
This study included 52,588 total participants. Judging by these averages, it appears that part of the problem is the combination of heterosexual men and women having sex together.
As sexuality becomes more fluid, other groups approach the aggregate mean, the total average of all groups combined, which is 81.5% — and the differences between groups begin to balance out, thus closing the gap.
Sex and Sex Differences
Understanding why the orgasm gap happens has been a challenge. Science has been having a robust discussion about it over the past few years, and everyone from activist organizations to bloggers have chimed in on the subject.
There are two major factors contributing to the orgasm gap:
A subset of men are really bad at sex with women, and they throw the average off. Hardcore Evangelicals like Mike Pence probably aren’t taking the time to investigate the ins-and-outs of female pleasure and the female orgasm. If their wives rarely or never reach orgasm, those low numbers sink the average a tremendous amount.
Society’s views are largely established by men, including our views about how sex should be. Throughout almost all societies on earth, sex is conceptualized in a very male-centric way. We focus on penetration as the “main course” and other forms of sex—that produce more female pleasure—wind up taking a back seat.
Persistent cultural narratives prioritize male pleasure and view female pleasure as either optional or secondary. Many people think it’s “unmanly” to make a woman climax through oral sex or other types of play that aren’t penetrative sex.
Naturally, this results in a lack of emphasis on women’s sexual needs, and women become less and less comfortable communicating their needs. This is especially true after their needs are repeatedly ignored or men flip shit when told their dick game didn’t do the job.
As I’m sure everyone reading this knows by now, for most women, direct external stimulation is necessary to reach climax, either on the clitoral hood or the clitoris itself.
Very few women can reliably climax from penetration alone. Only 13.5% of women can always climax through penetration without external stimulation whenever they have sex.
Miscommunications of Desire
It seems strange that the problem wasn’t solved long ago when you think about it. It’s not like men don’t want to have the sex that’s necessary to please women, right? Men very much want to have sex.
A massive, brand-new study published in Psychological Bulletin analyzed the results of 211 studies and compared the sex drives of men and women. The researchers fond that men are significantly more likely to fantasize about sex more than women, and we have higher sex drives than women on average.
The disconnect is baffling, and it only gets more confusing from here.
A 2017 study titled Not All Orgasms Were Created Equal: Differences in Frequency and Satisfaction of Orgasm Experiences by Sexual Activity in Same-Sex Versus Mixed-Sex Relationships had a lot to say on the subject.
The study found that straight men overwhelmingly want to give oral sex to their partners more than they do. So, in case you were thinking that men want sex but not the right kind of sex that brings women to orgasm, guess again.
Women want oral sex more than they’re getting it, and men want to give it more than they’re giving it. This shows you how tragic our lack of sexual communication is in our culture.
So, how do we fix this?
Science’s Fascinating Link Between Anal Sex & the Orgasm Gap
In 2021, I wrote about a fascinating link uncovered between anal sex and the orgasm gap. If you took the data from studies about orgasm frequency, and you looked at only the people having anal sex, women’s orgasm rates shoot up to 98%—just like men’s.
There’s nothing inherently magical about anal sex that makes every woman more likely to orgasm when they have anal sex with their partners. It has nothing to do with anatomy and everything to do with process and psychology.
Couples who practiced anal sex also practiced a wide variety of sexual activities in bed with one another. People who practice anal sex regularly usually trust one another deeply and share strong bonds of intimacy.
Those who engage in anal sex typically go for the whole shebang in their sex sessions—kissing, touching, rubbing, oral, anal, vaginal—you name it.
They put a lot more focus on sex than couples who rushed into penetration to get sex over with. In other words, they don’t base their sex lives around the male-centric view of sex, one that focuses primarily on penetration and little else.
And that simple act of prioritizing orgasm radically increases the rates of women’s orgasms and, presumably, translates to better sex.
Did You Finnish?
This is confirmed by a Finnish study that compared different types of sexual contact. The study found moderate differences in the orgasm rates and levels of sexual satisfaction depending on which sexual activities were included in the sex (clitoral stimulation, penetration alone, both clitoral and vaginal).
The study also asked participants how much they prioritized orgasm and, guess what, that’s where the results were the most striking. It turns out that placing an emphasis on orgasm makes it more likely (and more enjoyable).
Being a Great Lover
When it comes to great lovers, there’s something beyond the tangible that sets them apart. It’s an elusive quality that separates the wheat from the chaff, so to speak. It’s a je ne sais quoi, a mysterious thing that makes you tingle with anticipation at the mere thought of being intimate with them.
And while it may sound like a cliché, the data proves that a robust desire to engage in sexual activities with your partner(s) and a prioritization of orgasm are reliable indicators of whether you would climax.
The orgasm gap between men and women closes when both parties are willing to engage in a variety of activities during lovemaking, from massages and kissing to oral and anal sex.
Think of it this way: the best sex isn’t a straight-to-penetration affair with no side excursions or detours. It’s a journey filled with twists and turns, a journey that takes you to exotic places you never knew existed.
It’s a journey that solidifies the connection between two people and creates an unbreakable bond. It’s a journey that starts with sweet and sexy emails and ends with mind-blowing orgasms.
So, if you want to be a great lover, don’t just focus on the basics. Instead, focus on building a connection, exploring new things, and embracing the full spectrum of human sexuality. Who knows? You might just be surprised at what you discover about yourself and your partner(s).
All you need is one true sentence… ”This shows you how tragic our lack of sexual communication is in our culture." Well, there are many written in your article; however, this one speaks of a larger issue. If we were all much more forthcoming about our sexual needs, the orgasm gap would surely lessen.