Science Finally Explains the Orgasm Gap and How We Can Close It
Dissecting the scientific literature about the orgasm gap
What is the orgasm gap, and where does it come from? A lot of people have chimed in their thoughts, as well as presumably helpful tips on the subject; but what does the science really have to say about the dreaded orgasm gap?
In answering this question, we might be able to shed light on what makes a great lover.
Scientific literature about the orgasm gap can be found dating all the way back to 1994, as it’s mentioned in the book The Sexual Organization of Society: Sexual Practices in the United States, by several authors and based on a 1992 survey of American sexuality.
In a much later survey titled Variation in Orgasm Occurrence, they noted a gap in orgasms, with men having orgasms 85.5 percent of the time to women’s 61.6 percent, for heterosexual respondents. This means that for the 23.9 percent gap that exists, men were doing their job 61.6 percent of the time, at least according to these data.
But men are still failing nearly 1/4th of the time in total.
Another study called Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample found that the rates of usually always reaching climax during sex were as follows:
Heterosexual men: 95%
Homosexual men: 89%
Bisexual men: 88%
Lesbian women: 86%
Bisexual women: 66%
Heterosexual women: 65%
This study included 52,588 total participants. Judging by these averages, it seems that part of the problem is the magic, tragic combination of heterosexual men and women having sex together.
As sexuality becomes more fluid, other groups approach the aggregate mean, the total average of all groups combined, which is 81.5% — and the differences between groups begin to balance out, thus closing the gap.
Statistical Interpretations
A quick note about statistics that might be of value, here, is the fact that all of these numbers are averages; and averages can only tell us so much.
Case in point: the average rent price in Los Angeles is $2,518 per month for a 791 square foot (73.49 m²) apartment (also an average). Because it’s an average, this doesn’t mean that all or even most apartments will cost that much money.
The reason for this is statistical outliers.
Hypothetical situation: let’s say 90% of those apartments in LA only cost $1,000 per month (in my dreams), but the remaining 10% of apartments were rented by celebrities and famous stars who were willing to pay upward of $40,000 per month for a small apartment in a great location. Those high rollers would be the statistical outliers.
And while numbers like this *might* result in an average of around $2,518 per month, for 90% of the people living in Los Angeles, the average rent price doesn’t affect them at all, because their apartments are only $1,000 per month, and the average is inflated by those high rollers renting apartments that we peasants would never dream of being able to afford.
In smaller cities like Phoenix, Arizona, there aren’t as many high rollers, so even if we commonly find apartments that cost the same in both places, the average in Los Angeles would be higher simply because Phoenix doesn’t have apartments that rent for $40,000 per month — but Los Angeles does.
Just because the “average” bet in Vegas is, say, $20,000, doesn’t mean everyone is spending $20,000. It means the high rollers spend millions on a bet, while the average Joe Schmoes of the world bet about $600 over the course of their entire vacation.
When we transfer this line of thinking over to the orgasm gap, it’s probable that a small fraction of couples is outliers, with the women in those relationships almost never having orgasms, thus resulting in the gap.
They’re the “power users” of bad sex, the guys whose partners silently sit up late at night fantasizing about better sex with other partners. Meanwhile, other women out there are getting off 100% of the time.
It takes a few bad apples to spoil the whole bunch, guys.
Of Good and Bad Lovers
This begs the question, what makes a good lover? And what makes a bad one? Fortunately, the study authors of Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample asked more probing questions to clue us in on what separates the boys from the men.
One topic of interest was sexual communication between partners. The study authors note:
Women and men who orgasmed more frequently were more likely to engage in five of the six communication strategies. In particular, men and women who orgasmed more frequently were more likely to ask for something they wanted in bed, praise their partner for something they did in bed, and call/ email to tease about doing something sexual.
The six communication strategies were:
I asked for something I wanted in bed.
One of us praised others for something they did in bed.
My partner asked for something they wanted in bed.
One of us asked for feedback on how something felt.
One of us called or emailed to tease about doing something sexual.
One of us gently criticized how others did something in bed.
They also asked questions about sexual variety, relationship satisfaction, giving or receiving oral sex, and the types of additional activities engaged in during the last sexual encounters (lingerie, anal sex, etc.)
Every single one of these measures improved the orgasm frequency among women, thus moderately closing the gap. But none of these things in themselves were a silver bullet. It seems the sum of all of these things might greatly influence how often someone is likely to have an orgasm.
In other words, and this should go without saying, adventurous people seem to have more fun (and orgasms) in the bedroom.
Keep in mind statistical outliers.
There could be a handful of “whales,” as they say in crypto-speak, engaging in literally none of these activities and leaving their partners high and dry every time, while the vast majority of people engage in these add-ons to various degrees. Judging by the data I’ve poured through, this seems to be the case: a handful of awful lovers and a majority of mediocre lovers, with a few remarkably stellar lovers here and there.
So what makes a stellar lover? See the aforementioned activities. You don’t have to dump the whole spice jar on your partner, but a little dash of seasoning can certainly get things cooking in almost every bedroom.
Perceptions of Orgasms
Here’s where things get really weird. Common knowledge paints the orgasm gap as a fixed thing, where men get off virtually every time and women get off about half the time. But men have their share of orgasm difficulties, too.
I’ve struggled at times and with certain partners to climax. There’s no shame in it, but it’s something that should make you question your sexual compatibility, supposing nobody wants to compromise to make sex a better experience for everyone involved.
Interestingly, with heterosexual couples, both sexes slightly overestimated how often their partners got off.
80% of women reported that their partners reached climax every single time they had sex, when the real number was only 75%.
41% of men estimated that their partners climaxed every single time when the real number was only 33%.
95% of women reported that their partners usually reached climax during sex, and they were spot on, with 95% of men usually reaching climax.
73% of men reported that their partners usually climaxed, another overestimate, and the real number was 65%.
Wrapping it Up
There’s still a stark contrast in rates of orgasm between the two sexes that holds during heterosexual encounters, but that gap is closed by engaging in foreplay and other types of non-penetrative sexual activities. Talking, exploring one another’s wants, needs, drives, and fantasies, as well as oral sex (and a longer sex duration, by extension), all play a role in how often we achieve orgasm.
The takeaways I see from this are that some couples have gotten into a rut where they rush sex and try to make it a short and sweet endeavor. When this happens, women are the ones who lose out more regularly than men.
This is somewhat understandable when we factor in children, careers, and other hiccups that might come along and put a damper on our sex lives. But those are, at least to some degree, convenient excuses. People who prioritize sex will find time to have sex, and they’ll find ways to keep their sex lives exciting and invigorated.
What this doesn’t tell us is which came first, the proverbial chicken or the metaphorical egg. Are the stellar lovers of the world out there spicing up their sex lives because they’re better lovers, or are they better lovers solely because they spice up their sex lives?
I think the answer goes something like this…
Great Lovers…
The best lovers out there are the ones who are open, flexible, and receptive to their partner’s thoughts, feelings, opinions, and desires. Not only are they willing to try new things, but they’re willing to take the initiative and dream up new and fun ideas, no matter how “vanilla” they may seem, to keep things fresh and interesting. As such, their sex lives are practically never straight-to-penetration sex without side excursions of various sorts, be they back massages, sweet emails, open and non-judgmental conversations about sex, or various activities like oral and anal sex.
The best lovers are willing to not embrace one or two of these things, but all of them, dedicating themselves to being wonderful partners in the bedroom.
All of these things solidify connections, and it’s those connections that are the roots upon which the sweet and fruitful trees of human sexuality grow.
Thank you for reading. Sign up to my Medium email list if you haven’t already.
Three books I recommend checking out:
Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships
A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the Internet Tells Us About Sexual Relationships
The Myth of Monogamy: Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and People
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Hook up culture is an orgasm killer for women.