Study Says Sexual Communication is Vital for Your Sexual Function
Meta-analysis uncovers several links between sexual communication and sexual function.
Sexual communication is one of the most important aspects of a relationship, yet, it remains one of the most neglected in most people’s lives. Without it, partners can’t truly understand each other’s needs and desires, and we end up feeling isolated from our partners. This can lead to frustration, misunderstandings, and even breakups.
How often do we settle down into a comfortable groove, and sex becomes more of a habit than a melting pot of ideas, discussions, and a quest for mutual comfort, satisfaction, and fulfillment?
Fortunately, sexual communication is something that can be learned and improved with practice. Like any other type of communication in a relationship, sexual communication is essential for reaching a place of comfortable homeostasis — and it needs to be maintained over time.
We’re always growing, always changing, and, in a world where we’re free to choose our partners (or choose to leave them), we constantly have to build the relationships we want to have from the ground up.
In centuries past, sex and relationships were mostly family affairs. Marriages were basically arranged, and the two people involved had to figure out a way to make it work, no matter what. The oppressive climate left little-to-no room for divorce or choice.
On the one hand, we’re fortunate to live in a time when romance is a thing of choice and not coercion.
On the other hand, that freedom of choice comes with a lot of responsibility.
And nobody ever really instructs us on how to go about maintaining these aspects of our relationships. Making matters worse, people have shamed most of us for our sexual proclivities, desires, kinks, and quirks our entire lives.
Many of us have lingering trauma from past bad experiences. Our minds are as individual as our fingerprints — there is no one size fits all solution.
This is why so many people have unfulfilling sex lives. And science is now beginning to show us that sexual communication, or a lack of it, plays a role in our sexual function — our ability to become aroused, achieve orgasm, achieve and maintain erections, and more.
The Science of Sexual Communication
A study titled Couples’ sexual communication and dimensions of sexual function: A meta-analysis elucidated the facts around sexual function and sexual communication with the goal of understanding how our psychology meshes with our biology.
The meta-analysis rummaged through piles of research to investigate any and all links between sexual function and sexual communication — the first of its kind.
Meta-analyses are done when a team of researchers picks a subject — in this case, the link between sexual function and sexual communication — and dives into all the available research on the subject to help us make sense of it all.
A lot of scientific research is sporadic. Surveys are sent out, and research studies are done, but usually, those take place in isolation, and only occasionally do researchers follow up on them to give us a more accurate picture of the stats.
And that’s what they did here.
What they found was quite surprising. Some studies in isolation showed that sexual communication was only important for women. One study showed that sexual communication only affected women’s ability to reach orgasm.
But as they piled on more and more research, a new picture began to emerge.
There was a lot of bias in the individual studies that researchers had to tease out with a fine-tooth comb.
It’s long been known that sexual communication, and relationship communication in general, is vital for women. But links to erectile dysfunction in men were also observed. Men who lacked open sexual communication in their relationships also had a tougher time getting aroused and maintaining an interest in sex.
A study in Britain observed a negative association between a man’s ability to talk about sex openly with his partner and his interest in sex. When men felt less able to express themselves in the bedroom, they too saw a significant drop in their desire for sex.
While it’s true that the effect sizes were larger for women than men across the board, men still suffer when we’re not open about our sexuality. Our sex lives suffer, our erectile function can suffer, and our overall satisfaction with our sex lives can decline.
Now here’s where it gets interesting…
The positive effects of sexual communication were more pronounced in couples who were married or in other types of long-term relationships.
Why does that matter?
It’s no secret that sexual desire declines over time with the same partner. And things like sexual function, be it ability to orgasm or erectile function, all decline as we age and stay with the same partner over time.
Part of this is biological. I’ve covered it here.
So it’s surprising to see that married couples and people in long-term relationships, who are overwhelmingly older and have been in their relationships for longer than people having casual flings, would see the most improvement in their sex lives from having a more open sexual dialogue.
Sexual communication seems to stave off some of the natural declines that happen to us as we age, marry, settle down, have children, and shift from a competitive dating orientation to a bond-maintenance orientation, from late nights, martinis, and hot sex, to minivans, lattes, and suburban homes.
Another interesting aspect is related to culture. People who lived in countries with more oppressive cultures, places where sexual discussion is more taboo, experienced more considerable benefits from sexual communication.
It should go without saying that if we feel stifled and silenced — like we can’t express ourselves honestly — the toll it takes on our mental health can be devastating.
Sometimes it’s really hard to open up to our partners and tell them what we like, what we want, and what we fantasize about, and by extension, who we are in our little internal worlds that they can’t touch or see — but it’s worth it.
Sexual Communication: The Ins-and-Outs
So what does sexual communication look like?
Good sexual communication involves being able to openly share your desires and needs with your partner, and listening to their feedback as well. It can be helpful to think of sexual communication as a dialogue, rather than a monologue.
Rather than erecting a platform to speak your piece, think of it as building a space where your partner can be open and honest with you.
Healthy sexual communication is a two-way street. It’s about listening as much as it is about talking. When you’re in a healthy sexual relationship, both partners feel comfortable communicating their wants, needs, and desires.
In order for a conversation about sex to be productive, there needs to be an open discussion of what both partners are comfortable with. This includes topics like sexual fantasies, fetishes, and kinks. If either partner feels uncomfortable discussing these things, it’s essential to respect their wishes and refrain from bringing them up or trying to force the issue.
If this happens, it’s best to build up your partner’s confidence and comfort in areas that aren’t as taboo as sex. Start small, work your way up.
Think of working on sexual communication as building a judgment-free space where both people can express themselves and know they’ll be heard.
One of the most important aspects of sexual communication is understanding what your partner wants and needs. This means that you need to take the time to listen carefully. If you’re not paying attention, it’s easy to miss cues or misunderstand your partner’s intentions.
It’s crucial not to be that person who daydreams while the other person speaks and waits for their turn to talk.
If you’re looking to improve your sex life, the first step is communication. Listen carefully to your partner and ask questions about what they want or need in the context of sex.
This way, you can build trust and create a healthy sexual relationship.
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Three books I recommend checking out:
Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life
Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships
A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the Internet Tells Us About Sexual Relationships
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