The Ask/Guess Culture Framework Will Transform the Way You See Your Relationships
Do you ask for what you want? Or do you guess about what's acceptable?
Every once in a while, a miraculous little thing happens where people formulate into words feelings and experiences you could hitherto only feel. It’s like a light bulb goes off, an ah-ha moment happens, and suddenly you’re blessed with the gift of fire, and by fire, I mean the ability to finally describe something nebulous you’ve only vaguely understood.
We see this happening with the significant cultural shifts unfolding before our very eyes. People are becoming equipped with the language they need to describe their experiences in much greater detail. I’m convinced that almost all culture wars are predicated on this linguistic shift.
When I was a kid, what was considered “child abuse” was reserved for physical violence that happened to such a degree it left marks or kept a child home from school. It was a very different time. We didn’t understand things like passive aggression yet.
The F-word, and no, I’m not talking about the vulgar synonym for sex, I’m talking about the gay slur, was used with abandon. I look back, and I’m both ashamed of the human race and amazed at how far we’ve come when I realize that word was used so regularly, and nobody batted an eye at it.
Gaslighting hadn’t become a term in our daily lexicon. Parents, teachers, friends, and family alike gaslighted others with abandon. It’s hard to understand something is wrong when you don’t even have a name for it.
Over the last few decades, thanks to the explosion of the internet and social media, our collective mental dictionaries have expanded to an incredible degree. We’ve adopted medical terminology rather than oversimplified cliches.
Today, someone is on the Autism Spectrum, type 1 or type 2. They’re no longer just “weird,” and with this language comes an undeniably appreciable depth of understanding. Of course, some don’t want to change and resist with all their might. But the tsunami of information feeding the expanse of understanding is already in motion. It cannot be stopped.
One concept that’s come out of the last several decades, slowly taking shape over the last ten years, is the idea of Ask Culture VS. Guess Culture.
Maybe I’m late to the party, but I’ve just discovered this framework, and it’s greatly changing the way I view and approach relationships in my life of all stripes.
Depending on where you grew up, what culture you come from, and what your family was like, you either adopted an Ask Culture or a Guess Culture.
I’ll never forget when I was a young buck in my twenties and needed a job. I headed down to a local bar hoping my previous bar experience would help me get my foot in the door at a rather prestigious establishment. I landed an interview, and when I arrived for the interview, I realized that I’d forgotten to bring a pen.
“No big deal,” I thought to myself as they asked me to fill out paperwork before the interview. “I’ll just ask if I can use one of their pens!” They obliged, and I filled out said paperwork, then headed in for the interview. I aced it.
They called me a few days later to inform me that I didn’t have the job. They explained that I interviewed great and had the qualifications, but the fact that I had to ask for a pen disqualified me. Therein lies the crux of Ask Vs. Guess culture.
I’m an Ask-Culture guy. Maybe it’s because I spent most of my life in Los Angeles, a big, bustling city where those who don’t ask for what they want wind up getting left in the dust. Maybe it’s because my parents were shameless in asking for what they needed. It’s probably a combination of many things.
My interviewer was quite obviously a guess-culture woman. She explicitly told me that asking for a pen was crossing a line.
People who subscribe to Ask Culture live by the motto, “There’s no harm in asking. The worst they can say is no,” and are willing to ask for anything and everything, even if it’s unorthodox. They don’t pass judgment on others for asking for things, and they expect not to be judged as well. After all, open communication is a central tenet of ask culture, and it’s something ask culture subscribers cherish.
Guess culture is a bit more ambiguous. Guess Culture values not being put on the spot by the people from Ask Culture! Rather than asking for what they want or need, people who subscribe to guess culture guess what’s acceptable to others rather than communicating it directly.
Say you’re traveling to a city where your friend lives, and it would be much more convenient for you to stay with your friend than deal with the hassle and expense of an Airbnb. While someone from Ask Culture might call their friend up outright and ask, “Hey, I’m coming into town in September, mind if I crash on your couch? If not, no worries, I can snag an Airbnb,” someone from Guess culture would merely mention the trip in September and silently guess at what’s acceptable. Then, they sit back and wait for an offer to be extended.
With Guess Culture, the only time you ask for something is when you’re near certain the answer to your request will be a resounding yes.
The gulf between these two groups of people is vast. One group considers asking a harmless and even social activity, while the other considers it downright rude! It’s like bargaining…in some cultures, it’s offensive not to bargain with someone. In North American culture, it’s seen as rude.
Stop and take a moment to think of everyone in your life and ask yourself which culture they subscribe to. If you have a partner, which side do you think they lean more toward? It’s important to note that this isn’t always perfectly binary, either.
Some people can ask for anything under the sun, but when it comes to their relationships, they clam up with crippling anxiety. I’ve known quite a few people like this. They were brave, bold, outgoing, and gregarious, but the moment it came to important relationships that mattered to them, they froze up like an Antarctic lake during the Ice Age.
Talking this out with the people who matter most to you can also be extremely beneficial to your relationships, sexual and otherwise. It’ll help you better understand and relate to another person’s struggles, and it’ll help bridge any misunderstandings; or, it will help you bond over the fact that you share the same culture.