The "Mating Ball" of Modern Dating

Our information space is poisoning our dating space

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On one hand, the garter snake, with its orangish-red-yellow longitudinal stripes, is just your humble garden-variety serpent. It’s non-venomous, so other than the occasional scare when we stumble upon one unexpectedly, we don’t tend to think much about them.

Garter snakes, which got their names from the fact that their stripes resembled the garters that used to hold up men’s socks (and the lingerie garters that still hold up women’s stalkings), are, at a first glance, pretty unimpressive. They’re voracious eaters that keep their habitats in check, something we pay little mind to.

But when it comes to mating habits, garter snakes are riveting.

The way they have sex is often bizarre.

You may have seen them twisted up with one another in massive knots of squamous snakeskin, maybe not realizing they were having sex. But that’s exactly what they’re doing.

Sexual competition between snakes is extremely high. The males rush the females and mob her in large groups, swirling their smooth, scaly bodies around her and one another. When a number of these snakes get together, forming a huge bundle of snakes, it’s called a mating ball. Think of a rubber band ball, but with snakes. It’s all males surrounding one female, like a massive gangbang that would make the Emperor Caligula blush.

We should all take a moment to be thankful we don’t have to pile up into a big ball to make babies (unless you’re into that sort of thing).

Garter snakes in a “mating ball” | Photo by Oregon State University; licensed under Creative Commons 2.0

Garter snakes aren’t the only creatures to do this. Other reptiles and amphibians are forced to compete in this same way, by casting themselves atop a pile of their fellows and hoping for the best. Some wasps and beetles engage in this mating strategy as well.

This peculiar ritual evolved to allow females to pick from the “best” males available. Whether this translates to better survival rates due to the genetic fitness of the lucky male who impregnates her is anyone’s guess. What leads to reproductive success doesn’t always lead to survival.

There are trade-offs between sex and survival.

Evolution is blind, but balanced.

The Misfortunes of Modern Dating

These days, countless singles are frustrated. Men sometimes feel like garter snakes trapped in a big mating ball, frivolously pushing with all their might to be the fortunate lad who winds up with the woman in the middle. Women feel a bit like garter snakes, too, like legions of men are lurking everywhere and constantly trying to coerce them into sex.

On some level, the mating ball of the garter snake makes visible what happens invisibly with humans. At its most basic, dating (and mating) are competitive and we all strive to find the best partner we’re lucky enough to land a date with.