The Pain of Infidelity: Why Cheating Hurts So Bad
The science of infidelity and how it affects us
The first bomb is the discovery of infidelity.
The second bomb is the realization that the relationship is built on lies, deceit, and constant betrayals.
Infidelity can be one of the most painful experiences a person can go through.The pain of infidelity can be so great that it often leads people to question their self-worth and relationships with others. Infidelity is a betrayal that can leave a person feeling hurt, alone, and confused. It’s hell.
While there are many reasons why someone might cheat on their partner, the pain it causes is undeniable, and thus no reason is truly acceptable. The emotions associated with cheating can be intense and overwhelming. Being cheated on can destroy someone’s sense of self-worth and make them feel miserable, even hopeless — like they’re undeserving of love ever again.
This pain is compounded by the fact that infidelity occurs in the places dearest to us— relationships — a place where trust is key.
Think about it: you’ve put the entirety of your trust in someone else, placing your future in their hands, only for them to piss it away. Even worse, they didn’t have the maturity to tell you to your face before they hopped into bed with someone else.
When trust is broken, it can be difficult to rebuild any kind of relationship. In addition to the emotional pain, cheating also leads to physical pain. It’s misery.
Post Infidelity Stress Disorder
Occasionally I bump into a guy from High School who’s still hung up on the fact that his teenage girlfriend cheated on him — and he still doesn’t trust women because of it.
The guy is now in his 40s, and he’s still heartbroken over the girl who cheated on him when they were seventeen. It’s tragic.
Instances of fidelity can break down a person’s ability to trust in people of their preferred gender(s) indefinitely. I’ve seen it happen. There’s even a name for this.
It’s called Post Infidelity Stress Disorder, and it resembles Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in many of the symptoms. Like PTSD, PISD can wreck a person’s sense of security, both in life and in relationships, from that point forward.
And that’s exactly what’s happened to my friend. Sometimes the scars can last a lifetime.
Cheating can shatter trust, damage relationships, and create feelings of betrayal that last a lifetime, in both the body and brain, as we’re about to see.
Quitting Love Cold Turkey
Part of why infidelity stings so bad is related to our neurochemistry. Our brains and bodies go through transformative changes when we fall in love with someone.
Those changes may morph into other types of changes over time (from a competitive orientation to a security orientation), but the brain and body both change when we fall in love and stay in love.
Our hormones are like windows into souls.
They reflect everything that’s going on inside us.
Authors of the study Reward, addiction, and emotion regulation systems associated with rejection in love, peered into people’s brains and bodies to see what was going on when love was disrupted.
When the process of falling or staying in love is believed to be interrupted, it stimulates parts of the brain associated with emotional regularity, craving, and yearning.
The ventral tegmental area (VTA) bilaterally, ventral striatum, medial and lateral orbitofrontal/prefrontal cortex, and cingulate gyrus.
Researchers concluded:
Forebrain activations associated with motivational relevance, gain/loss, cocaine craving, addiction, and emotion regulation suggest that higher-order systems subject to experience and learning also may mediate the rejection reaction. The results show activation of reward systems, previously identified by monetary stimuli, in a natural, endogenous, negative emotion state. Activation of areas involved in cocaine addiction may help explain the obsessive behaviors associated with rejection in love.
I won’t say that quitting love is similar to quitting a cocaine habit cold turkey, but it triggers some of the same responses in the brain, since falling in love shares the same brain activity with cocaine. Whether this is caused by a breakup or infidelity, the result is the same.
How We Cope With Infidelity
In a study titled Infidelity’s aftermath: Appraisals, mental health, and health-compromising behaviors following a partner’s infidelity, researchers observed the behaviors of college students who’d recently been cheated on.
One of the things people tend to do, especially those who experience significant amounts of emotional and psychological stress after being cheated on, is to try and cope by engaging in self-destructive, risky behaviors.
We’ve all seen this person. We might even have been this person at one point in time.
Your health goes out the window. You stop showing. You might not exercise at all, or you might throw yourself into the gym 24/7. You might drink heavily or smoke more marijuana. You might practice unsafe sex with strangers on a whim.
An interesting note about this is that when people blame themselves, they often engage in risky behavior. When they (rightly) blamed the other person, they usually didn’t.
Infidelity Statistics
In 2009, the infidelity rate, if we take people at their word, was about 10%. About 12% of men admitted to cheating, while 7% of women admitted doing the same. Now, these are just the people who admit to it.
Today, women have caught up to men, and the infidelity gender gap has mostly closed. People are cheating a bit more frequently than they were 13 years ago in 2009.
And you might be surprised to learn that, for women, instances of infidelity peak at age 50 through 59, while for men, cheating usually peaks at age 80!
While this study focused exclusively on married couples, thus it didn’t include younger folk who were not married. It’s still quite astonishing to think that most cases of infidelity take place in our older years.
This likely has something to do with people approaching the end of life. They think about what they might have missed out on. I’d imagine the peak in the 50s also has something to do with the oft-cited midlife crisis people report going through.
Young women are also more likely to cheat than men. For the age group of 18–29, women edged men out with a 1% higher infidelity rate. In all other age groups, men take the cake.
The Four Horsemen of Infidelity
There are four main reasons people cheat. Of course, there are many more, but time and again, researchers find the same four reasons at the top throughout the scientific literature:
Emotional neglect. Hands down, this is where women are more likely to cheat than men. Women who feel like they aren’t being heard, loved, or cared about are far more likely to stray than women who feel like their partners are supportive of them, their lives, hopes, dreams, and well-being.
Sexual dissatisfaction. Alright, boys, your turn. This is the reason guys tend to cite for extra-relationship excursions. Having a dissatisfying sex life is the primary driver of male infidelity, with many men saying they cheated because the sex was nonexistent in their primary relationship.
Simple boredom. Let’s face it; boredom can happen to any relationship. You’re hardwired to become comfy in long-term relationships, whether you’re a man or woman, and sex becomes routine. The longer the relationship, the greater the chances that one or more partners will commit infidelity.
Self-esteem woes. A lot of people cheat because they don’t feel good about themselves. Feeling like someone else desires them makes them feel whole inside. These people, sadly, often spend their lives chasing fleeting instances of external happiness. It’s a cycle of misery, ecstasy, and back to despair again.
How to Deal if You’ve Been Cheated On
Cheating can cause a person to feel guilt, shame, and fear. It can lead to feelings of self-doubt and insecurity. All of these emotions can be incredibly overpowering and damaging. To cope with the pain of cheating, it’s essential to understand what is happening inside your head. Know that you are not alone and that there is help available. Remember, cheating hurts — but it can be healed.
There is no one-size-fits-all approach to coping with the pain of infidelity, as each person experiences cheating in different ways. However, some general tips that may be helpful include: talking about what happened, focusing on yourself and your own needs rather than focusing on the betraying partner, seeking out support from friends or family members who can offer guidance.
Also, don’t be ashamed to visit your doctor if things get really bad. Pharmacological options can be essential for anyone going through such a transition in life. Depression happens to millions of people worldwide, and it’s better treated than not.
Therapists and psychiatric care professionals are experts at treating instances of infidelity.
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Three books I recommend checking out:
Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life
Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships
A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the Internet Tells Us About Sexual Relationships
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