The Science of Why We Have Less Sex Over Time
In monogamous relationships, sex declines over time. Here’s what it means for your relationship.
President Calvin Coolidge was a badass — and so was his wife.
During his presidency, Coolidge visited a government farm with his wife. They were strolling around and checking out the various animals when they passed a chicken pen.
His wife, Grace Coolidge, noticed that there were dozens of chickens but only one hen. She asked their guide if having one male hen was enough for all the female chickens, and the following conversation transpired:
Guide: “Yes, the rooster works very hard.”
Grace: “Really? The rooster works very hard? Every day?”
Guide: “Oh, yes, ma’am. Dozens of times per day.”
Grace: “Interesting. Be sure to tell that to the President!”
The guide then told the President about his wife’s comment as she passed the chicken pen, and the President asked, “Same hen every time?”
Guide: “Oh, no, sir. Different hen each time.”
President: “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.”
This story eventually got its own designation in the world of biology, The Coolidge Effect. It describes a curious phenomenon in most sexual species — the habituation of sexual partners.
You know the feeling. You’ve been sleeping with the same partner for a few years, and it’s become almost robotic. You don’t feel the nervous butterflies in your stomach when you’re about to hop in bed with them again. You’re just going through the motions.
The same thing happens to rats, beetles, guppies, and more.
But why does it happen? And more importantly, what can you do about it?
Couples That Play Together…
A Pew Research poll asked people what makes a happy marriage. It’s no surprise the top two responses both had to do with sex. The most important thing to people in their marriage was sexual fidelity. The second most essential thing was a happy sex life.
Household chores, adequate income, secure housing, shared religious beliefs, shared interests, and whether our partners wanted to have children — all trailed the mighty gods of great sex and faithfulness.
Yet, over the course of any relationship, sexual frequency is bound to decline. The longer we stay together, the less sex we have. It’s quite the paradox.
It’s All Natural, Baby…
As the Coolidge Effect implies, some of this is perfectly natural.
As our relationships evolve, our hormones shift. The stay-up-all-night-and-have-wild-sex chemicals are replaced with love-provide-and-defend-my-partner chemicals. Testosterone declines in both men and women.
Our relationship orientation changes from competition-oriented to security-oriented.
When we seek new partners, we’re in what’s called a “competitive” relationship orientation. Our bodies understand this without us ever so much as thinking about it.
Our testosterone levels are higher. Our bodies tell us to go find someone and hurry up and get partnered. We swipe right on him, swipe left on her, and we go out to singles bars while we compete in the search for someone who makes us happy.
When we find a partner we really, really like, our disposition changes — and so does our chemical make-up. Our hormones shift. The testosterone that gave us the rush we so adored subsides. And this is called a “bond-maintenance” relationship orientation.
The point of this orientation, in evolutionary terms, was to keep us from having a ton of kids and getting out of dodge as fast as possible.
It’s as if our bodies know when we’ve got to devote ourselves to our partners and settle down if the human race was going to survive.
Finding New Meaning
As our relationship dispositions change, it’s vital that we understand the process that’s going on — both in our bodies and our relationships. It’s important that we shift our focus and our priorities away from chasing the dragon of lifelong stay-up-all-night-and-have-passionate-sex-until-the-sun-comes-up lust (which is unsustainable, anyway), and focus on building a life together.
Sometimes we need to move our own goalposts and let ourselves grow with our relationships.
Our bodies are going to shift to bond-maintenance mode anyway, so we might as well make it the coolest bond-maintenance mode on the block. Do the fun stuff with your partner. Surprise them. Listen to them! Don’t just begrudge the fact that your body is changing and accept it. Learn to love your new self.
Trust me — you’ll be a lot better off if you do.
If this sounds silly, just realize that it’s our bond outside the bedroom that serves as the fuel that sets our sex lives ablaze inside the bedroom. a
A Little Perspective
To some people, this might sound akin to slow starvation. To others, this might sound like quite a lot. But this is what psychologists have agreed is “sexless.”
I know, I know, when you think of “sexless” you probably think of zero sex happening. But the truth is, a lot of times, sex happens that isn’t satisfactory — it’s maintenance sex.
It’s the kind of sex that happens when people are just going through the motions. They aren’t sharing emotions with one another, they aren’t basking in the glorious pleasure to be had touching one another’s bodies.
There’s a large gradient between the one and the other. Sitting down with your partner and discussing how much sex is optimal for each of you might smooth over any bumps in the road.
It’s possible your idea of what’s “normal” or “healthy” is slightly askew.
We can’t expect to have sex three times per day for years and years. It’s just not realistic. But we can tell our partners our optimal frequency, and we can listen to theirs — and then we can find what works for each of us.
Open communication and compromise are essential for this process.
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Four relevant books I recommend checking out:
Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life
Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships
He’s Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It
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