Three Essential Mindset Shifts for Incredibly Pleasurable Anal Sex
Anal pleasure is mental as much as it is physical.
If you're like most people who’ve never had it, you probably consider anal sex to be something that's either painful or, at the very least, not particularly pleasurable. But the truth is, with the right mindset and a bit of preparation, anal sex can be incredibly pleasurable.
Anal play can be a controversial topic because it is often seen as taboo. Even in today’s world, where anal sex is plastered all over the pages of magazines like Cosmopolitan, anal sex is still practiced by a minority of the population.
For a variety of reasons, our society teaches us that anal play is dirty, dangerous, and something to be ashamed of. These negative messages can stay with us into adulthood, making us afraid to explore this part of our sexuality.
Anxiety and stress can lead to painful experiences.
If you want to experience anal sex but are afraid of the pain involved, there are a few things that you can do to reduce the pain. For example, start by using a mountain of lube and avoid thrusting too hard.
You can find a thousand articles about that.
They’re so played out. I’m here to talk about something different.
I want to talk about some mindsets that are important for mind-blowing anal sex. It’s something we hardly ever mention. There’s a link between our mental beliefs about sex and our physical experiences of having them.
Many people are secretly afraid of anal sex because of the negative connotations that society has placed on it. Many people see anal sex as dirty or degrading, and this can be a major turn-off. There are several religious and political organizations dumping a ton of misinformation out there about anal sex, which can make people even more afraid to try it—or afraid of how they’ll be viewed if they have it.
Thanks to this, learning to love anal sex goes far beyond just getting physically accustomed to the sensations. The real battle is in the mind. It’s a battle of undoing years of programming that tells us that the anus is dirty, that any bodily pleasure that isn’t taking place within a narrow range of what society deems “acceptable” sex.
To see this in action, you need to look no further than Texas, a state that’s trying to criminalize sodomy again.
It’s crazy.
Overcoming all this pressure (that’s sometimes unconscious) can be a challenge for all of us. Here are some mindsets you should try to adopt while you take the anal plunge.
Three Things You Should Know
There are three things you must understand about anal sex before you begin your journey to maximum pleasure.
1. Understand that anal play is not just about physical sensation.
Just as with any other type of sexual activity, there is a mental component to enjoying anal sex.
Pay attention to your mental state during and after the experience and try to focus on the positive things about it. This can help reduce anxiety or fear associated with this area of sexuality and our bodies.
Many people don’t understand that anxiety and fear play a considerable role in sexual pleasure. Sometimes this happens with vaginal sex, too. If we’re too nervous, we tense up and sometimes sex can be painful or at least uncomfortable.
An interesting study looked at anal sex between gay and bisexual men. The study identified a few things that make anal sex pleasurable rather than painful. The study found that performance anxiety, age, and internalized homophobia all played a role in how much people enjoyed receiving anal sex.
The first mindset we need to adopt is the belief that it’s okay for us to enjoy anal pleasure. We need to allow ourselves the flexibility to use whatever body parts we want as sources of our own pleasure. If our sex is consensual, and we’re not hurting anyone (who doesn’t want to be hurt), there’s nothing wrong with it.
2. We must come to acceptance of anal play from a judgment-free space.
We must give ourselves permission to explore our bodies without judging ourselves. This includes exploring your body on your own. It’s important that you strip any outdated ideas about playing with your own body. I can think of a thousand sex jokes that made fun of the way someone’s body looked or the way that person enjoyed sexuality. Thankfully, we are finally starting to get our acts together. We’re starting to understand that such jokes are frankly obnoxious.
People have been pleasuring themselves in the backdoor for millennia. It’s hardly anything new. And science has investigated the psychological mechanisms behind why people find pleasure in anal sex since the last century.
If you’re in a relationship, talk about anal sex openly and honestly with your partner(s). It's important to have a good discussion about your expectations and boundaries before engaging in anal sex so that both of you are comfortable with the experience. It can also help reduce anxiety or fear associated with this area of sexuality. It’s essential that everything flows from a place of acceptance, rather than judgment.
Whether you’re single or in a relationship, it might be best to start with some solo adventures. Take your finger and put it in your anus and see how it feels. Start shallow. Allow yourself the freedom to get comfortable without pressure or an audience. Try putting your finger one-fourth of an inch inside your anus during masturbation. Then you can slowly work your way up and feel more and more of yourself. See what the sensations are like. There’s no shame in enjoying the feelings you experience and there’s no shame in exploring a unique part of your body that millions of people use sexually every single day.
And again, don’t judge yourself.
3. Be patient and consistent when exploring anal sex.
Just like any other type of sexual activity, it takes time for people to get used to new ways of being sexually intimate. Don't be surprised if it takes some experimentation before things feel perfect during anal play – that's okay!
As long as you're taking the time to put in the effort, you’ll eventually reach the mountaintop. Allow yourself to make some mistakes along the way without throwing out the entire project. If one bad sexual experience made us write off other types of sex, every woman who lost her virginity in a way that was moderately painful would be celibate.
Understand that we have a double standard between “acceptable” forms of sex and “sodomy” that follows us around even when we don’t realize it. All types of sex take some getting used to. And different partners take some getting used to.
Why do we expect anal to be any different? Sex acts are often uncomfortable, but we’ve allowed ourselves the time and patience to work through the mental and physical blocks that prevent us from fully enjoying ourselves.
Personally, I love anal play and anal sex. Each has its place and time in my bedroom and my sexual repertoire. My partner and I enjoy ourselves often and it’s all possible thanks to our willingness to put stigma aside and enjoy some out-of-the-box thinking when it comes to sexual pleasure.
Thanks for reading. I’m Nicole. This is a guest post on The Science of Sex. You can check out my own Substack here. It’s mostly free content, for now.
Follow me on Medium here.
Check out Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men, Women, and Couples by Jack Morin Ph.D. on Amazon for more. It’s an intriguing guide to anal pleasure that will teach you everything you need to know.
It’s also available as an audiobook through Audible. If you sign up for Audible Plus, you get a free trial and up to two free audiobooks in your first month if you use this link.
This story contains affiliate links, and as an Amazon Associate, we may make a small commission through any sales that come from them.