What Can We Learn From Couples Who Fight About Money?
The high-stakes science of relationship finance
I scratched my head, puzzled, as David* told me the story. He was considering using a FitBit device his wife had bought him for Christmas—three years prior. “It’s still in the box, man,” he told me, “It’s sitting in the garage next to this real nice leather jacket she bought me that I haven’t had a chance to wear yet.”
I was telling him about my Apple Watch and my health routine, eating right, exercise and all that, and it inspired him to dig out a three-year-old FitBit that had hitherto served as his garage dust collector. The box hadn’t even been opened.
He and his wife had a way of stockpiling consumer goods like they were waiting to ride out the nuclear apocalypse from the comfort of his garage.
When we got to his house, it was impossible to miss the fact that his entire garage was filled with ornaments, unworn clothing, gifts, and other miscellany that hadn’t been touched since it had been bought and set down. Anyone reading this from a country not called America is probably screaming right now over the wastefulness.
David wasn’t quite a hoarder—both he and his wife were more buyers than collectors.
They didn’t keep small nicknacks and they didn’t save every ketchup packet that came with the fast food they ate that one time on the drive back from that concert that was so memorable they absolutely had to keep the ketchup as reminders. But the fact that they were both compulsive spenders, oddly, made it work. There was a rhythm to their squandering that they could both appreciate and, even if I quietly disapproved to myself, neither of them seemed to mind.
Other couples aren’t so lucky. Ask any psychologist, they’ll tell you that among the things couples fight about the most, finances usually tops the list. So what separates the couples like David and his wife from the people who wind up on Dateline for killing their spouses to cash in on that hefty lump sum of life insurance?
Fairness and Responsibility
I decided to embark on a little reading on the subject and dove deep into the research, piling a bunch of studies together for reading as I usually do when I set out to write one of these articles. Once I began reading, one study immediately jumped out at me and thus I’ll begin there.
The study was twofold and delved into the impact of conflicts related to money on relationships. It's not just about your average bickering over who forgot to pay the electric bill; we're talking about the kind of financial disputes that can make or break a relationship over the long haul.
The researchers conducted two separate investigations—one involving intense money conflicts discussed on Reddit, and another focusing on the more everyday financial disagreements recounted by married individuals.