Why 62% of Women Fantasize About Rape, Forceful Sex and Coercion
Don’t dismiss what you don’t understand about sex
The general public doesn’t know that 62% of women fantasize about rape, forceful sex, and coercion. This truth has been hidden so well that we wouldn’t dare voice it out even in our female circles. Part of our problem lies in the fear of being misunderstood.
We fear that men would use our fantasies to exploit others. We fear losing our sexual agency. We fear being called dirty, slutty, or weird. And we also fear what might happen if we did get raped.
Society still views sex as something women either give, or something women allow to happen. That’s a very dangerous standpoint. Because Rebecca was to admit that she fantasizes about kidnappings, stalking, and forced sex. Society would turn her into a spectacle. Twitter would mock her. Headlines would read, “Consent is just a game.”
Truth is, people think female sexuality is soft and warm, but there is fierce darkness to it. As a woman who has the wildest of fantasies, it’s essential to address this.
Our Fantasies Are Shaped by Our Culture
It’s easy to think women’s fantasies exist in a vacuum, but it doesn’t. Culture plays a role in what we are turned on by, and our culture sends pretty fucked up messages.
Very often Media glamorizes forced sex, rape, and kidnapping. It isn’t always as ruthless as porn, it’s subtle and like a slow poison, it works its way into our psyche.
let me explain!
Women are constantly portrayed as objects to be desired, manipulated, and dominated. On the dance floor, it’s normal for dudes to dance behind a girl while feeling on her ass.
In offices, women are often portrayed as the sexy secretary who services her boss. In the boardroom, we are shown as powerful CEO that needs to be tamed. In the bedroom, we are shown as passive and submissive. We internalize such imagery and in turn, view ourselves as such.
It’s also impossible to ignore how rape is glamorized and often minimized in mass media. The hottest sex scene, for example, are always those where the lady puts up a fight, the guy goes on she gives in, they have steamy sex and it turns out to be the “best sex” she’s ever had.
For all the Game of Throne fans… remember the controversial rape scene where Drogo takes Daenerys from behind while she wept in silence. Their romance took off thereafter, becoming one of Game of Thrones’ favorite couples.
Cultural forces shape our erotic minds. We’re blinded by these norms because we see them every day.
Social psychologist Justin Lehmiller spent two years surveying 4,000 adults on the content of their sexual fantasies. He found that women fantasize about the same outrageous and taboo things that men fantasize about. Check out the interesting results below:
Participants who fantasized about having someone force sex on them:
Participants who fantasized about forcing sex on someone:
The majority of those who fantasize about forcing sex on someone made it clear that they didn’t want to assault their partner. Meaning their partners secretly wanted it, and Meaning the was a level of consent and mutual respect.
The most common differences between the gender was that:
Dr. Lehmiller also found that women were more likely to have power-driven fantasies than men. The most interesting was when a woman talked of her fantasy of being a “human cow”. She specifically wanted to be tied up in the center of town where she would be force-fed hormones that would make her lactate constantly. People would then milk her and have sex with her whenever they wanted.
You can learn a lot about yourself by exploring your darkest, most taboo sexual desires
Many described forced sex as their favorite fantasy, with several using words like “rape fantasy” to characterize it. I want to make it clear that rape fantasy bears no resemblance to real-life sexual assault or rape. Because the woman fantasizing is in complete control and sets the terms.
No matter how dark and twisted these fantasies can be, we aren’t fantasizing about rape or abuse.
It’s more about the loss of control. And our inherent power to be so attractive that the other is taken up by uncontrollable lust.
I often imagine a firefighter pinning their partner against the wall and having his way with her amidst a burning building. In real life, no one in their sane minds would have sex in such a scene.
That would be terrifying and downright dangerous.
We all fantasize about some stuff that we know wouldn’t happen in real life. Even just pretending in our head makes sex better, but you know what would make it even better is if we’re not shamed for it.
Next time, when a woman tells you of her panty-soaking fantasy where she’s kidnapped by six basketball players and fucked silly in her cheerleader outfit. Don’t judge her.
We have filthy minds too.
We don’t have to let everyone into our bedrooms, but we shouldn’t have to hide there either.
Too often, we dismiss what we don’t understand about sex. Don’t be scared of what you want. Own your desires, they make up your identity.
Our hottest fantasies are an amalgamation of our early experiences, cultural conditioning, deep longings, and our own neurosis. It’s part of who we are.
Find a safe way to learn more about it. It’s much easier than you think. You can enroll in online games where people play out their fantasies virtually. You can find communities where people embrace each other’s sexuality.
The only way we can get to healthy sexuality is if we accept each and every part of ourselves — the soft and sweet, the sexy and sultry, and the dirty and perverted.
Thanks for reading. I’m Dona Mwiria. You can read more from me by signing up for my Medium email list here or subscribing to my personal Substack here.
Buy me a coffee if you’re feeling generous.
If you enjoy this you might like to read:
Why Moaners, Groaners, and Screamers are the Best Women to Bed on Medium.