I once asked an ex-boyfriend why our sex life was so amazing. I did not like his answer.
“It’s the way you look at me…I know you want me.”
At the time, I thought — what an egotistical response. Our sex life is great because I want you? Pig!
But I recently stumbled upon a study from The Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, and his response suddenly made sense. Researchers found only 12.1 percent of 18 - 65-year-old men in committed relationships felt desired by their partner. The same study found 95 percent of men reported that feeling desired is “very important.”
12 percent. That’s the same number of people who own a fish. It’s now just as easy to keep a fish alive as it is to keep desire alive. Why are so many men drowning in unreciprocated desire?
Culture is partly to blame. Men have been taught that women, not men, are the objects of sexual desire. Women are the poet’s muses, and men are stuck writing love sonnets and holding up the boom box outside her window. Their arms must be tired.
The porn industry doesn’t help. Every year, men spend millions of dollars to gaze upon naked women. The female porn audience has grown recently, but only 32% of women watch porn vs. 68% of men. Why are women not spending nearly as much to look at naked dudes?
Some argue this is biological. Bullshit. Sex is biological. Sexuality is a cultural construct. And history can prove it.
In the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries, men, not women, were viewed as the fairer sex. It was men who flashed their comely gams in their tight hose and sported bulging codpieces to draw the eye to the family jewels. Unless she was a courtesan or an artist’s muse, women were buttoned up in their puritanical ruffs and not viewed as sex objects.
Today the opposite is true. Onlyfans models and influencers feed a billion-dollar industry of thirst traps. Female Onlyfans creators make 78% more than their male counterparts.
Let’s look at another scenario. We are bombarded by advertising showing only women’s legs. Now imagine an advertisement that shows just a man’s legs?
Are you giggling? That’s part of the problem.
The feminists might be ready to tar me. I know…women have been objectified for centuries. And unless you are Justin Bieber, male objectification will never reach the heights of female objectification. Even if it could, we certainly do not want to turn that funhouse mirror on men.
To be clear, I am not suggesting you catcall a construction worker, grab your coworker’s arse, or make your partner feel like a piece of man candy. There is a big difference between making someone feel desired and making someone feel objectified.
I am questioning if your partner knows just how much you lust after him.
Let’s start by asking the men in our lives — do you feel desired?
Some men might struggle with answering this question. No one likes to admit that their self-esteem needs a boost. But if he vacillates or gives a lukewarm response…well, that’s a problem.
So here are a few ways you can show your partner how much he sizzles with flame-spitting hotness. (I promise no more bad Harlequin romance lines after this point…maybe.)
Compliment him
Giving a great compliment is like making yeast rise. We always think it will be harder than it actually is until nature takes over.
Here are some tips on how to give a more organic compliment.
Of course, giving anyone a compliment about their sex appeal can feel daunting. You don’t want to come off as a smarmy used car salesman or make the person feel objectified.
But I find most men are not tetchy about physical compliments. There might be a reason for that.
Men get compliments about their appearance a lot less than women. Men get compliments about their career achievements. So maybe mix it up and tell him how hot his ass looks in his jeans. And definitely compliment his sexual prowess. As long as the compliment is sincere, you can’t go wrong.
Non-sexual touch
You don’t have to rub up against him like a minx in heat to make him feel desired. And making the focus his penis only makes him feel like, well…a walking penis.
The erotic begins in the imagination…our untapped imagination.
Enjoy sex
Enthusiasm is the catalyst to desire. It’s not always the most qualified candidate who gets the job. It’s the one who wants it. So be the first to initiate sex if he has been bearing that burden.
Let him be your hero
I struggle with this one. I hate when something breaks in my house, and I am left uttering those dirty pool water words — I need a man. But women can still keep their independence while occasionally letting go of the wheel.
My mom always says, “Men need to feel needed. So let him slay a few dragons.”
I will, of course, roll my eyes at her and say, “That’s so sexist. I will call the exterminator if I have a rogue dragon in my house.”
I hate to admit it, but…my mom is kinda right. Men are socialized to be problem solvers. (Don’t you dare blame biology. This one is partly cultural.)
Consequently, when men listen to a woman’s woes, they want to offer solutions. So next time he offers solutions…thank him. And when he fixes that leaky faucet or cooks a steak to perfection, tell him that you appreciate the things he does better than you.
And if you are shaking your fists at the computer screen right now and screaming…I can cook my own steak to perfection. Well, lucky you. But everyone likes to feel needed occasionally. I am sure there are many things your partner does better than you, and it has nothing to do with gender.
My disclaimer: Is he open to receiving desire?
Women can’t be expected to wave their enchanted lust wand over men and make magic happen. Many men (and women) don’t feel desired because they are not open to receiving desire.
Unfortunately, self-esteem is not something you can gift someone. Some men need to work on themselves first. You know who you are.
“There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.”
— Edith Wharton
There are many ways to make a man feel desired. But being desired is passive. It requires a man to be the object and not the powerful instigating subject. It’s far easier to be the flame than the moth.
However, men clearly want to feel desired. And it doesn’t take an armchair psychology lecture as to why they don’t want to admit it. If more women let their men be the object of their adulation, it just might take some of the pressure off us.
Maybe it is time to pass that torch?
So to all the homme fatales, I am holding up my proverbial boom box for you. And maybe…next time I have an errant dragon in my castle, I will let you brandish your hard, steely sword.
(Now, that was my last bad Harlequin romance line.)
Now it’s your turn…
Do you wish your partner expressed their desire more?
What do you do to show your partner you find them irresistible?
Do you disagree with the idea that men need to feel desired?
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This Sunday, we will be discussing 6 Vagina Myths Women Wish Men Would Stop Believing. From Kegel exercises to “vaginal orgasms,” it’s time to put an end to some of the most common vagina myths.
I strongly believe that men need to feel desired. All the guys I’ve known who’ve stepped out on their wives cited the lack of desire and appreciation as a factor.
Loved what you wrote, Carlyn!
Desire and Pleasure are very connected. If something is not pleasurable for a woman, and she doesn't relay that to her partner...that's not good. If something IS pleasurable for her and she does not relay that either...another strike. Men can be very clumsy and dumb, but will be (or should be) responsive to what is pleasurable in a woman when it is expressed. If you are not telling each other out loud in your own Voices what is mutually/individually pleasurable, it can be very hit or miss. If a woman can genuinely express what it pleasurable to her (which in my life experience was rare) that is the KEY to great physical and emotional intimacy.
They have TOLD US women want physical and emotional intimacy, but many don't.
Tell Us What You Want...please.