You Might Be Into BDSM and Not Even Know It
BDSM is more common than most people think
It was a surprisingly romantic moment.
We were lying on a table in my backyard, gazing up at the sky. The stars were stunningly bright for a city with so much light pollution. As we lay there, sweaty and waiting for our heart rates to return to normal, you could feel something kinetic in the post-sex air. There was so much chemistry between us from the first moment we saw each other. So much so that after that first sexual encounter, I mumbled as I stared up at the stars, “I can’t believe that just happened.”
She replied, “I mean…look at you…look at me…it was meant to happen.”
Our joint silence served as our mutual agreement. We just enjoyed the moment.
No need to spoil it with thoughtless words.
It was a crazy turn of events.
Just an hour before that, my life was in a very different place. We were undressing and getting ready to have sex. We’d been waiting weeks for that moment. Every passing glance, every stare held a bit too long, every flirt intended to fly beneath the radar of unsuspecting friends—all amounted to this pinnacle. But it was the first time I’d ever encountered someone into BDSM.
Let’s just say it was a little awkward.
She assumed I was a seasoned pro. Apart from brief glimpses I’d seen in the media, I had no idea people enjoyed physical pain during sex. She requested I do just that, and I wasn’t sure how to take it.
We fumbled about with our words and bodies for a few minutes before finally having vanilla sex. Thankfully, our uncanny connection made up for the misunderstanding.
The sex was great, but I was confused. My world was rocked. My eyes had been opened to the various possibilities that awaited me.
Over the years, I would slowly be introduced to the various aspects of kink culture.
First, we’ll explore a bit of the science about BDSM, and then we’ll get to the people who are into BDSM and don’t even know it.
BDSM and Personal Growth
BDSM doesn’t make sense when we think about it from the perspective of polite society. Some would say that’s precisely the point. Still, there are many reasons people enjoy it—some cultural, some social, some biological.
BDSM participants enjoy feelings of creation and connection with their partners from their activities. It’s a place where people can be themselves by not being themselves. A place where we step into fantasy and away from reality. It’s a place where desire is revered, not as a thirst to be quenched but as a part of the self to be experienced fully.
It’s a way to understand ourselves as humans.
As Charlotta Carlström wrote in the study BDSM, becoming and the flows of desire:
BDSM is understood as a dynamic and collective phenomenon closely connected to fantasies, memories and longing, and enabled through flows of desire. Practising BDSM can be understood as a process of increasing expansion, creation and connection, in which desire is seen not as something we lack or need but rather as a process of striving and self-enhancement. Exploring the becoming process more fully can provide a better understanding as to why some people choose to practise BDSM.
BDSM and Personality
A fascinating study from 2021 published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine showed that BDSM is not linked to psychological distress or mental health problems (other research has confirmed this—that BDSM is good for the practitioner’s mental health).
Participants engage in a transference of wonderful emotions when they practice BDSM, far from the emotionless psychopaths they’re sometimes stigmatized as.
Not everyone is Marquis de Sade—and even he was much more complex than we give him credit for.
Researchers write:
The study contributes to the growing literature suggesting that while BDSM roles may correspond with specific personality characteristics, they are not indicative of personalities significantly different than the general population's. The study also included individuals who identified as switch, a group often excluded from quantitative research in the BDSM community.
These findings suggest that there are no differences in empathy between BDSM practitioner roles, and although there are differences in interpersonal dominance, these characteristics are not likely to be prominent in individuals' everyday interactions
I know when most normies think of BDSM activities from the outside, empathy isn’t usually the first word to come to mind. But BDSM practitioners of all stripes experience empathy, and BDSM isn’t correlated with any specific personality traits.
This makes sense when we consider the emphasis on consent in BDSM circles and sexual activities.