This has to be one of my favorite essays yet from you. (And I have a lot of fav's.)
Love is a story. But lately, instead of finding our own stories and letting them unfold, we have written scripts and discard anyone who does not fit that script. As you pointed out, we once got those scripts from the bible. Now, we get them from whatever internet bubble feeds us the right words we so desperately need to hear. Pre-writing our love story is the worst kind of sanitation. We know the ending before it has begun.
Absolutely spot-on analysis, Carlyn, and thank you very much for your kind words. I hope to see a piece from you about this very subject ("we have written scripts and discard anyone who does not fit that script") in the near future. It rings true as something I would read from your magnificent mind.
I agree with everything you said here. And frankly, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of people coasting along through life with training wheels all the while insisting that the rest of us do the same because they couldn't dare take a chance on something that would render them vulnerable.
To be clear: I'm absolutely in favor of controlling our behaviors regarding passions. Passion is no excuse for incivility. But denying them, rejecting them? That's as silly as the men who hate women so much that they wouldn't touch one feeling entitled to children. We simply cannot rip the fruit of the loins of Aphrodite from a non-existent Eros because we cannot consummate a desire that does not exist. Love without passion is a transaction more closely resembling a corpse than a connection.
I am a Chaplain officiating the marriage of my mentor. In my message affirming their nuptials, I make the analogy that love is the “air” of the relationship and lust is the “oxygen” of a relationship. 100% is unsustainable and ultimately harmful, 0% lust is suffocating. The goal is to keep lust in “breathable portion” (18-21%). When I presented my draft, I was asked to change “lust” to “passion”.
All that to say, reading your post today is spot on and affirms the message I didn’t have scholarly reference for. Please continue to your work.
this was tossed up into my feed by substack. Honestly the title drew me in, but the quality of the writing and subject matter was fantastic, and so you now have a new subscriber. thanks for all your hard work.
Well said! I feel the same about kink, which people seem to also want to sanitize. The big gotcha is a sort of expectation that a dominant woman is hot if she simulates being selfish or mean, but not if she actually behaves in a selfish or mean way.
Taking Mark Anthony and Cleopatra as archetypes, I think humans have all sorts of authentic but dark drives, and that modern kink is therefore - for some people - a framework of harm reduction rather than any sort of play.
Let’s extend this to passionate expressions of interest and excitement of all kinds. Let’s stop trying to punish people for being passionate about what matters to them.
You were asking in the other article how can we make dating work better. I think this has been already figured out.
The basic issue is just liking someone on a friendo level is not enough. We also have to find them exciting. And men have a difficult job of coming across as exciting to women.
Now "exciting" has multiple meanings. One is "really liking something". But there is another meaning: roller-coasters and bungee jumping are exciting because we perceive them as dangerous. Perceived risk is exciting.
Ultimately that is what pick-up artists meant by "pretend to be an asshole" - come across as risky, hence exciting.
But there is a better way. Simply agree to put on a stage role of perceived riskiness for a scene in a honest, transparent, consensual way. And that way lies kink and BDSM.
For example, all this rope stuff is essentially just abduction roleplay. Of course it is exciting.
I titled my Substack Romance and Rationality exactly because I think that Romance is beautiful and ugly, filled with burning and tears, and something that can transform us for good or evil. And I think Rationality is a good counterpoint, a good way to explore our feelings and find better ways to be together. And when love can weave and dance between the two, letting loose and finding the right restraints... Well, that is its own kind of special. I would even argue that sometimes reason can renew our passions, when we decide it is healthy to set some time apart to explore our bodies, read poetry, and deliberately fan the flames of a fire that has been buried under the ashes of the unending grind and the crushing responsibilities.
So, thank you for this - it really resonated. Looking forward to reading more of your work.
This has to be one of my favorite essays yet from you. (And I have a lot of fav's.)
Love is a story. But lately, instead of finding our own stories and letting them unfold, we have written scripts and discard anyone who does not fit that script. As you pointed out, we once got those scripts from the bible. Now, we get them from whatever internet bubble feeds us the right words we so desperately need to hear. Pre-writing our love story is the worst kind of sanitation. We know the ending before it has begun.
Absolutely spot-on analysis, Carlyn, and thank you very much for your kind words. I hope to see a piece from you about this very subject ("we have written scripts and discard anyone who does not fit that script") in the near future. It rings true as something I would read from your magnificent mind.
I agree with everything you said here. And frankly, I'm tired of it. I'm tired of people coasting along through life with training wheels all the while insisting that the rest of us do the same because they couldn't dare take a chance on something that would render them vulnerable.
To be clear: I'm absolutely in favor of controlling our behaviors regarding passions. Passion is no excuse for incivility. But denying them, rejecting them? That's as silly as the men who hate women so much that they wouldn't touch one feeling entitled to children. We simply cannot rip the fruit of the loins of Aphrodite from a non-existent Eros because we cannot consummate a desire that does not exist. Love without passion is a transaction more closely resembling a corpse than a connection.
I am a Chaplain officiating the marriage of my mentor. In my message affirming their nuptials, I make the analogy that love is the “air” of the relationship and lust is the “oxygen” of a relationship. 100% is unsustainable and ultimately harmful, 0% lust is suffocating. The goal is to keep lust in “breathable portion” (18-21%). When I presented my draft, I was asked to change “lust” to “passion”.
All that to say, reading your post today is spot on and affirms the message I didn’t have scholarly reference for. Please continue to your work.
Rene, that’s an excellent analogy. I love it and I just may quote you on that one of these days.
this was tossed up into my feed by substack. Honestly the title drew me in, but the quality of the writing and subject matter was fantastic, and so you now have a new subscriber. thanks for all your hard work.
Thank you so much, sincerely, James. I appreciate both your subscription and your kind words.
Well said! I feel the same about kink, which people seem to also want to sanitize. The big gotcha is a sort of expectation that a dominant woman is hot if she simulates being selfish or mean, but not if she actually behaves in a selfish or mean way.
Taking Mark Anthony and Cleopatra as archetypes, I think humans have all sorts of authentic but dark drives, and that modern kink is therefore - for some people - a framework of harm reduction rather than any sort of play.
Agreed entirely with all of this!
Ahhhh fabulous writing, so refreshing and original, thank you.
Thank you so much, Nina, I truly appreciate it more than you know. 🙏🏻
Let’s extend this to passionate expressions of interest and excitement of all kinds. Let’s stop trying to punish people for being passionate about what matters to them.
Dear Joe,
You were asking in the other article how can we make dating work better. I think this has been already figured out.
The basic issue is just liking someone on a friendo level is not enough. We also have to find them exciting. And men have a difficult job of coming across as exciting to women.
Now "exciting" has multiple meanings. One is "really liking something". But there is another meaning: roller-coasters and bungee jumping are exciting because we perceive them as dangerous. Perceived risk is exciting.
Ultimately that is what pick-up artists meant by "pretend to be an asshole" - come across as risky, hence exciting.
But there is a better way. Simply agree to put on a stage role of perceived riskiness for a scene in a honest, transparent, consensual way. And that way lies kink and BDSM.
For example, all this rope stuff is essentially just abduction roleplay. Of course it is exciting.
I titled my Substack Romance and Rationality exactly because I think that Romance is beautiful and ugly, filled with burning and tears, and something that can transform us for good or evil. And I think Rationality is a good counterpoint, a good way to explore our feelings and find better ways to be together. And when love can weave and dance between the two, letting loose and finding the right restraints... Well, that is its own kind of special. I would even argue that sometimes reason can renew our passions, when we decide it is healthy to set some time apart to explore our bodies, read poetry, and deliberately fan the flames of a fire that has been buried under the ashes of the unending grind and the crushing responsibilities.
So, thank you for this - it really resonated. Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Love with sex begins with passion when we’re young. It evolves. You have to feel it all the way to your soul.