How Sex & Relationships Have Changed for Women Over the Past Century
Shifting sexual dynamics signify shifting cultural dynamics. Let’s break down changes in human sexuality in recent years.
What if women dated who they wanted instead of being forced or coerced to date?
The entire world is changing. Everything is moving so fast it feels almost impossible to keep up. This is especially true concerning human relationships.
The sexual revolution that’s unfolded over the last century has given men and women more equal choices when it comes to deciding whom to date, whom to mate, and whom to marry — or if they’ll marry altogether.
The entire world is going through collective growing pains because our conception of relationships is evolving. Different people are discovering different ways to answer the romance question.
The idea that you grow up, meet someone, fall in love, and marry young is no longer the only way to live. People have more options, and they’re exercising those options, with more women choosing to delay marriage and children into their 30s— if they get married and have kids.
This, of course, comes with some discomfort.
What was a streamlined process with archaic rules and rituals has now become a process carried out under the whims of free association.
Freedom of choice is a beautiful thing — but it’s also challenging.
It begs us to make the right choices, and we’re now wholly responsible for those choices. This carries a heavy burden.
To see how our conception of relationships has evolved, you only need to consider that for the first time in history (written history, that is), women choose who they want to be with based on how that person makes them feel.
This is a massive transformation. It’s revolutionary.
Think about it: just over a century ago, marriage was an institution that’s main purpose was to solidify political and familial ties. People married people they didn’t know, didn’t like, weren’t attracted to, and often didn’t speak the same language as, all because their families or royal advisors told them they had to.
Women no longer have to marry men who force or coerce them into marriage or acquire defense from other violent men. They no longer must marry who their families say they must marry. This tremendous change has happened over less than 100 years.
It’s going to take some time for humanity to adapt.
The problem: many men still think they can buy affection and coerce women into relationships. It’s an outdated playbook.
In one of the most famous lines of cinematic history, Tony Montana said in Scarface, “In this country, you gotta get the money first. Once you get the money, then you get the power. Once you’ve got the money and the power, then you get the woman.”
Tragically, this line has influenced generations of men.
It’s so wrong.
Countless men are still operating on this outdated paradigm. No matter how often it fails them, they insist it will work someday.
It’s not that you can’t buy someone’s attraction, they believe; it’s that they don’t have enough money to buy attraction. Or they think they aren’t big enough jerks.
They talk about how women don’t want “nice guys” and how they want complete jerks.
They’re criticizing minute details and missing the big picture.
Something is very wrong here…
What Do Women Want?
A full fifty-eight years before Scarface was released in 1983, Sigmund Freud told us that after thirty years of studying people in intimate detail, there was one thing he couldn’t figure out: what do women want?
He also said that women “oppose change, receive passively, and add nothing of their own,” so let’s not take relationship advice from either Freud or Tony Montana.
It’s insane how regularly men misunderstand women, all while insisting that women don’t understand themselves.
I’m sure in psychology, they call that projection.
Men project an overly simplified fantasy of what they think women think, want, and feel onto women themselves. They do this hoping to understand them better, so they can better control them.
It’s the same reason we invented thousands of gods that have now been relegated to the cute subject of mythology. These gods are supposed to be responsible for various events outside of human control.
It helps us feel like we have a slight semblance of control over the unknown, uncontrollable, and desirable (weather, crops, health, etc.).
But what women want is surprisingly simple. It’s not as tantalizing as money-power-respect lines, but still, it’s a doozy.
You ready for it?
Women want the same things men want.
Sure, those things might take different characteristics depending on the sex (most of the time but not always), but still…
We all want love, affection, security, to have goals, to be surrounded by friends and family, to feel well-adjusted to our environments — and yes, we all want sex.
If you ask men and women to list their sexual fantasies, the most common fantasy in both sexes is the same — a romantic connection.
Women want sex too. And they’re having it.
Sexuality for a New Millennium
Lately, everyone from scientists to bloggers has lost their minds over the decline in sex. Puzzled, people have scrambled to figure out why sex rates are going down.
Studies have shown that women’s interest in sex has been steadily decliningsince the 1990s, even though rates of women’s orgasms have gone up and rates of women’s sexual dysfunction have gone down.
At the same time, society can’t figure out whether casual sex is a good or a bad thing. Alarmist headlines warn that casual sex is a scourge on the rise under the blanket smear of “hookup culture.” At the same time, other alarmist headlines worry aloud that we don’t have enough sex.
They’ve assumed this must be bad since we all want sex. But what if it wasn’t so simple?
What if people are trading in bad sex for more fulfilling activities and having good sex when the opportunity presents itself? What if we’re skimping on relationships and observing red flags while taking up great opportunities when they come about?
Women may be being choosier with their partners than they once were now that they’re unburdened by the old societal pressures that forced them into unhappy marriages where they were economically dependent on their husbands.
A recent study published in Evolutionary Psychological Science found that women are open to short-term and long-term relationships, depending on their partners — just like men.
While men boastfully divide women into “hoes” and “housewives,” women quietly sum up the men they encounter into different groups, like “boyfriend material” and “casual sex material.”
This confirms an abundance of research suggesting the same.
What Women Really Want
A 2006 study titled Sex Similarities and Differences in Preferences for Short-Term Mates: What, Whether, and Why asked people to perform fascinating exercises.
Study participants were handed “mate budgets” and asked to build the perfect partner on a budget — like a Frankenlover.
It’s like having XP points in a video game that you can use to build the perfect mate.
Participants could choose from traits like physical attractiveness, creativity, liveliness, social status, education, and more. They were asked to build the perfect short-term and long-term partners.
Men and women were strikingly similar in what they wanted from a partner — almost identical. But, they were only similar when they built a short-term partner.
When they built long-term partners, they began to diverge.
Both sexes invested heavily in physical attractiveness when building a short-term partner — a casual fling.
Both sexes bought more “depth” and a more comprehensive array of traits when building a long-term match.
Both sexes were half as likely to invest in physical attractiveness when building a long-term partner, choosing creativity and social status instead.
Thankfully, we don’t have to listen to the Freuds and Tony Montanas of the world anymore. Not only are women perfectly capable of telling us what they want these days— and, more importantly, how they feel — but science like this explores what women expect from a partner in the new millennium.
Women want a partner who can do the dishes, stick by his word, take care of the pets, make her laugh, make her feel fulfilled, and someone who’s attractive. Women no longer need to rely on men to be the breadwinners.
Most women would much rather someone emotionally support their dreams than financially support their checking account.
So, why are so many men stuck believing that money is the main obstacle to their romantic success? Why do men think women want an “alpha male” bad boy with huge muscles, a testosterone-shrunk penis, an anger problem, and a massive bank account?
Men are doubling down on the wrong strategies to secure a partner and keep her happy. Now, it’s time we get with the times and understand that our collective conception of love is evolving.
Shouldn’t we evolve with it?
Thanks for reading. This article was originally published on Medium in November 2022. Subscribe here to get emails whenever I publish on Medium.