Great piece - and religions of course are the most successful propagandists hence why I agree with the human rights promoted by humanism and humanist organisations (which represent the non-religious) they also campaign to protect and preserve female reproductive rights and assert that human rights and laws are secular in nature, with human freedom only constrained by the need to respect the rights of others (not by religious moral codes).
Excellent write-up, Joe. Especially in our short-attention, immediate-gratification world, not everyone takes the time to get to know their partner's unique likes and dislikes, which - sadly - results in more of a performance than in intimacy.
great piece. recently speaking with some guy friends of mine, we were discussing this very topic, and how men have zero context on how to be with a Turned on Woman, meaning a woman who is free, who is capable of what I call Unconditional Sex; sex that is not saddled with “conditions” such as promises of wedding proposals, dishwashers, babies. A woman who owns her sex and does not need to use it for barter, who has the wealth and luxury, both energetic and emotional, to use it for her pleasure.
My friends and I were talking and they said, “Yeah, we (men) don’t know what to do because that kind of woman is like a unicorn”.
Not a problem in and of itself, but in my opinion a woman’s touch is needed in the arena of what it “means.” I see a polarization of sorts. We’re running from sex-as-gravely-significant or sex-for-procreation. The masculine veers way to the other end of the scale: devoid of any emotion, connection or caring; wanton, gluttonous. The only reasons for a woman to engage would be (a) desperation, (b) the “god-given” woman’s agenda (to snag a man in her snare) or, worst of all, (c) that she approaches sex “like a man.”
In the present propaganda context it is absolutely impossible that a woman could maintain her femininity; still like to yield and surrender; want deep connection and love sex… with—gasp!—more than one person. (Oh, and not be salacious and therefore open to anything from BDSM and gang bangs.) Within the game as it exists, this is a total non-sequitur.
We lack gradients, we live in an either/or perspective. Either a woman’s legs are locked and closed and safe and healthy or else they are open to just about anything flying in there. In the present context it is unthinkable that a woman could both practice discernment and feed her beast. I suppose that it is assumed that she is too fragile to tame the thing. And I suppose this is because we underestimate the power of love as the most powerful trainer.
Just discovered your work today, and I gotta say this is the most thorough debunk of the belief now going around that women somehow can't come from penetration.
It always smelled fishy to me, mostly because that's not what I was seeing in real life, and I wanted to take the time to dig deeper in the studies, but you've done that for me !
There's only one thing in your post where I think you kinda jump to conclusions a bit :
"If it was all a matter of technique, with males being incompetent brutes, one would assume that lesbians would have virtually zero orgasm gap while the orgasm rates with men would be abysmal."
This is assuming that because you own a vulva, you somehow know your way around all vulvas. As you rightfully point out, the studies show women like different things, and I've seen very wide variations in real life (one thing could be the only way to make one woman orgasm, and completely unbearable for another).
So I'd argue while owning a vulva might help a bit, it could also make one think that other people must have the same way to get off as they do, hence why there's still a significant number of lesbian women not having orgasms as often as they could.
I think quite a lot is actually due to a lack of technique.
I have a friend who was literally shocked when I told him orgasms by cunnilingus were fairly easy to get even with someone you don't know. He didn't believe me, so I wrote a post with everything I know (that's what friends do :D).
He tried my techniques and it literally worked right away, with the same woman, and I assume a similar degree of connexion, as it was days apart and it was still very early stages.
(that's actually what got me to start my Substack !)
Not to say there's ONLY technique of course (I think empathy/listening, communication, and a willingness to spend the necessary time are very important), but I do think it plays a role. But information on it is very scarce unfortunately.
I'm just nitpicking a bit though, I'll go and read your archives now :)
Great work on explaining how we are taught about our relationship and roles in our sexual relationships with our partners, but I'm sure the ultimate goal is to make each other happier and fulfilled with each other in our sexual relationships and I believe that I should try to make sure you have a great experience as I have
So many great things here, Joe Duncan, that I've just Restacked your post to my Substack, The Pleasure Principle. Thank you! You may like my post "The Big O" of a few weeks ago. (Perhaps you will want to Restack that to your readers.) I try to say original things about pleasure, including, sometimes, sex. But mostly I write about unusual pleasures, such as mind games and "Watching Water."
"Heterosexual women have the largest gap, lesbian women have the smallest gap, and bisexual women are somewhere in the middle."
Yes, but lesbians also have the least amount of sex (between gay male, lesbians and hetero couples). Lesbian bed death is a phrase used in this context. So while lesbians might have the least orgasm gap, that apparently isn't enticing enough to make lesbians want sex more often and are often quite anguished about not wanting sex more. What this tells me is that there is something about the female condition that makes it so that sex and orgasms are simply less important to them. That the mainstream narrative of women not liking sex because men don't know how to properly handle a woman is simply propaganda.
And if you think about it, from a reproduction standpoint, the female orgasm is not required. The male orgasm is. We would not be here as a species if men didn't orgasm almost every time. It makes perfect sense that men should be orgasming more than women. It's the nature of the best
Great piece - and religions of course are the most successful propagandists hence why I agree with the human rights promoted by humanism and humanist organisations (which represent the non-religious) they also campaign to protect and preserve female reproductive rights and assert that human rights and laws are secular in nature, with human freedom only constrained by the need to respect the rights of others (not by religious moral codes).
Excellent write-up, Joe. Especially in our short-attention, immediate-gratification world, not everyone takes the time to get to know their partner's unique likes and dislikes, which - sadly - results in more of a performance than in intimacy.
Great article, really interesting read
Thank you very much for this very helpful article.
great piece. recently speaking with some guy friends of mine, we were discussing this very topic, and how men have zero context on how to be with a Turned on Woman, meaning a woman who is free, who is capable of what I call Unconditional Sex; sex that is not saddled with “conditions” such as promises of wedding proposals, dishwashers, babies. A woman who owns her sex and does not need to use it for barter, who has the wealth and luxury, both energetic and emotional, to use it for her pleasure.
My friends and I were talking and they said, “Yeah, we (men) don’t know what to do because that kind of woman is like a unicorn”.
Not a problem in and of itself, but in my opinion a woman’s touch is needed in the arena of what it “means.” I see a polarization of sorts. We’re running from sex-as-gravely-significant or sex-for-procreation. The masculine veers way to the other end of the scale: devoid of any emotion, connection or caring; wanton, gluttonous. The only reasons for a woman to engage would be (a) desperation, (b) the “god-given” woman’s agenda (to snag a man in her snare) or, worst of all, (c) that she approaches sex “like a man.”
In the present propaganda context it is absolutely impossible that a woman could maintain her femininity; still like to yield and surrender; want deep connection and love sex… with—gasp!—more than one person. (Oh, and not be salacious and therefore open to anything from BDSM and gang bangs.) Within the game as it exists, this is a total non-sequitur.
We lack gradients, we live in an either/or perspective. Either a woman’s legs are locked and closed and safe and healthy or else they are open to just about anything flying in there. In the present context it is unthinkable that a woman could both practice discernment and feed her beast. I suppose that it is assumed that she is too fragile to tame the thing. And I suppose this is because we underestimate the power of love as the most powerful trainer.
Just discovered your work today, and I gotta say this is the most thorough debunk of the belief now going around that women somehow can't come from penetration.
It always smelled fishy to me, mostly because that's not what I was seeing in real life, and I wanted to take the time to dig deeper in the studies, but you've done that for me !
There's only one thing in your post where I think you kinda jump to conclusions a bit :
"If it was all a matter of technique, with males being incompetent brutes, one would assume that lesbians would have virtually zero orgasm gap while the orgasm rates with men would be abysmal."
This is assuming that because you own a vulva, you somehow know your way around all vulvas. As you rightfully point out, the studies show women like different things, and I've seen very wide variations in real life (one thing could be the only way to make one woman orgasm, and completely unbearable for another).
So I'd argue while owning a vulva might help a bit, it could also make one think that other people must have the same way to get off as they do, hence why there's still a significant number of lesbian women not having orgasms as often as they could.
I think quite a lot is actually due to a lack of technique.
I have a friend who was literally shocked when I told him orgasms by cunnilingus were fairly easy to get even with someone you don't know. He didn't believe me, so I wrote a post with everything I know (that's what friends do :D).
He tried my techniques and it literally worked right away, with the same woman, and I assume a similar degree of connexion, as it was days apart and it was still very early stages.
(that's actually what got me to start my Substack !)
Not to say there's ONLY technique of course (I think empathy/listening, communication, and a willingness to spend the necessary time are very important), but I do think it plays a role. But information on it is very scarce unfortunately.
I'm just nitpicking a bit though, I'll go and read your archives now :)
Great work on explaining how we are taught about our relationship and roles in our sexual relationships with our partners, but I'm sure the ultimate goal is to make each other happier and fulfilled with each other in our sexual relationships and I believe that I should try to make sure you have a great experience as I have
So many great things here, Joe Duncan, that I've just Restacked your post to my Substack, The Pleasure Principle. Thank you! You may like my post "The Big O" of a few weeks ago. (Perhaps you will want to Restack that to your readers.) I try to say original things about pleasure, including, sometimes, sex. But mostly I write about unusual pleasures, such as mind games and "Watching Water."
"Heterosexual women have the largest gap, lesbian women have the smallest gap, and bisexual women are somewhere in the middle."
Yes, but lesbians also have the least amount of sex (between gay male, lesbians and hetero couples). Lesbian bed death is a phrase used in this context. So while lesbians might have the least orgasm gap, that apparently isn't enticing enough to make lesbians want sex more often and are often quite anguished about not wanting sex more. What this tells me is that there is something about the female condition that makes it so that sex and orgasms are simply less important to them. That the mainstream narrative of women not liking sex because men don't know how to properly handle a woman is simply propaganda.
And if you think about it, from a reproduction standpoint, the female orgasm is not required. The male orgasm is. We would not be here as a species if men didn't orgasm almost every time. It makes perfect sense that men should be orgasming more than women. It's the nature of the best